Know Your Shit: The best places on campus to poop

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Disclaimer: I have chosen to withhold my name from this article for one reason and one reason only: I plan to continue using these locations for my bathroom ventures. Specifically the lovely Brown/RISD Hillel. I do not want to be labeled as “that guy who told everyone to poop at Hillel.” It’s not my fault they have awesome facilities.

We’ve all been there – it’s a Thursday morning, you’re incredibly hungover, and the last place you want to be is sitting in class. As you count down the minutes until your lecture ends, you start to feel a rumbling in your stomach. Shit. Literally. All the spicy mayo you put on your fries last night at Jo’s is really starting to take its toll, and you need to go now.

We all know how deadly hangover shits can be, but the real question is, what do you do next? Where do you turn? Some people might take the gamble and try to make it back to their dorm room, but if you’re across campus, this is definitely not an option. That is why I am (reluctantly) revealing the best places on campus to poop.

poopI wouldn’t call myself an expert on pooping, but let’s face it, I’ve been doing it for over 20 years. After careful consideration, I’ve narrowed down the defining characteristics of what makes a perfect pooping environment. The first is obviously cleanliness. Nothing is worse than rushing into a bathroom and seeing that someone has already defiled your sanctuary. The second aspect that I look for is privacy. Pooping in silence is just clearly better than being interrupted, no explanation needed. The third, and oft overlooked aspect is ambiance. If you are setting in a grungy, albeit clean, bathroom, it is acceptable. But not ideal.

So here it is, the list of the best bathrooms to go poop in on campus:

The John Hay – Oh man. Was I excited when I found out the John Hay was opening. Not because of a great new study space or vaulted ceilings. No, I was excited because I knew with a new building comes new bathrooms. I was not disappointed. The bathrooms that are inside the Hay are quiet, well lit, and fastidiously maintained.

Above Andrews Commons – I find that study spaces often provide the best bathrooms in terms of privacy, but Andrews Commons also knocks it out of the park in terms of cleanliness and ambiance. Not only are they well-cared for, but the large windows also provide great lighting and a heavenly glow to compliment your bathroom experience.

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PW Presents: Almost, Maine

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Marli Scharlin’s ’16 production of Almost, Maine, coming to the PW downspace this weekend, is truly an ensemble show. There are no lead roles, but rather a cast of supporting characters each seamlessly stabilizing and carrying the next in toy-like fashion, such that if one performance fell, so would the show (yes, that is a Jenga metaphor, and a well-constructed one at that. Pun intended.) Luckily, no performers fell. Well, not figuratively. Quite literally, several characters fall.

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9 things we learned at the Janus Campaign Finance Debate

As politically and socially active as Brown is, three (vastly important) words rarely enter the myriad of debates and discussions taking place on the Main Green, in classrooms, dorm room floors and, because this is Brown, at parties on Saturday nights: campaign finance reform.

Everyone sort of knows what it is (“we need to get money out of politics!”), but few talk about the specifics. How are we going to get money out of politics? Exactly why is that so vastly important? Is it an attainable goal?

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The Janus Forum sought to answer this question by organizing an informal debate between Harvard Professor of Law Lawrence Lessig and UCLA Professor of Law Eugene Volokh. Both are outspoken members of the campaign finance reform debate, Lessig an advocate for overhauling our current campaign finance system (he recently started a grassroots PAC to support candidates pledging to reform campaign finance laws), Volokh, an eminent critic of reform.

What ensued was a nuanced and in-depth discussion of not only the theoretical problems and solutions (or lack thereof, according to Volokh) but also of tangible steps forward. Here are the highlights.

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Best places on campus to check yourself out

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It’s no doubt that we live in the age of the “selfie,” to linguists’ dismay, but what does this really tell us about the underlying principals of current society? Ok, we’re not about to invoke Chomsky or get too technical here. In fact, TIME Magazine put it quite simply: our generation is a bunch of narcissistic assholes. Well, you’re in luck, kiddos, because the following list of the best places to check out your appearance on campus will help you become the best version of your “assholey-millennial” self!

For the record, I am physically repulsed by the word “millennial,” and I would push instead for the label “fabuluxe trailblazers,” but whatever, TIME, you win this one.

1. BioMed building facing Brown St.

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This is the quintessential checkout spot. The extremely reflective windows seem to go on for days, and allow you to catch a glimpse of your entire body in motion, because sometimes you just need to triple check that your skirt is obeying gravity on those windy autumn days. Also, apparently there are offices behind these windows. Cool, then, this has just confirmed my worry that a bunch of strangers may have gained insider’s access to my nostrils.

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A Cool Thing You Shouldn’t Miss: A Better World by Design

better worldA Better World by Design, or the only conference clever enough to advertise in the middle of a crosswalk, is back for its seventh year and is cooler than ever. Founded by Brown’s Engineers Without Borders in 2008, A Better World by Design seeks to “bring a global community of innovators to Providence” to create a powerful exchange across fields to “build a better world.”

The three-day conference is packed with lectures, panels, and workshops intended to get you thinking about how passionate individuals and teams can change the way we look at the world through innovative design. Events will take place this weekend, September 19-21, mostly on College Hill and spread across Brown and RISD’s campuses. This year’s theme is “wayfinding” or “a collective design process used to solve social changes,” so expect programs drawing from the fields of “mapping, interactive art, design policy, and DIY biology.”

You’ll have the opportunity to hear a ton of influential speakers and attend programs that cater to nearly every interest. Seriously. This year’s program offers lectures ranging from “hearing colors” to effectively redesigning public policies to lessen social disparities. Needless to say, this conference offers programs that go way beyond our normative definition of design.

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Chow Down Brown: Ch-ch-ch-changes in campus eateries

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Can’t you smell them already…?

Let’s be honest – the thoughts that run through a college student’s mind often fall into a pretty specific set of categories. They may vary in content and percentage depending on the person, of course, but you can almost guarantee that they include the following: homework, romance, various forms of inebriation, and of course, food.

Brown University Dining Services therefore has ambitious tasks to accomplish in feeding Brown’s hungry students. Aaron Fitzsenry, culinary manager of retail dining and one of our favorite food authorities on campus, sat down with me to discuss some of the exciting culinary ch-ch-ch-changes taking place across campus this year.

The Blue Room will soon be introducing a Mediterranean Bar a few nights a week. Fitzsenry dreamed up this idea this summer while he was strolling down Thayer Street looking for inspiration in the existing business models. Featuring fresh and local ingredients such as hummus, tabbouleh, chickpea salad, fresh Narragansett feta, and Sam’s Bakery Syrian wraps, the Mediterranean Bar will be joining the ranks of student favorites Kabob and Curry and the Naked Burrito Bar. As the Herald reported, the Blue Room will also be serving savory pastries of the leek-and-parmesan and cherry-Greek-yogurt varieties. And don’t worry – those muffins and cookies you dream about will continue to be baked fresh daily. Rotating soup and meal specials can be found on the Blue Room’s website, in addition to any and all ingredient information about which you may be curious.

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