In Harold Pinter’s The Homecoming, Teddy visits home for the first time in years only to see his wife wrapped up in a perverse nexus of love with his father and two brothers and return home to a life of single fatherhood. How do I know none of us will experience the unfortunate homecoming in Pinter’s play? None of us have been away from home for years. None of us are married with three kids (but let me know if this is incorrect). And none of us are products of the mind of a Nobel laureate. Having said that, the majority of us freshman will be visiting home at some point (or maybe you’ve already been back 4 times because the Providence electronic music scene lacks the character of Brooklyn’s) and may be wondering what to do with your time away from Brown. Check out the list of visiting home necessities to maximize your homecoming after the jump.
1. Stuff your face: face it, you’re really visiting home because you’re sick of Brown’s food. You’ve tried every single element of the Ratty’s salad bar. You’ve realized the trek to the V-Dub only burns a quarter the amount of calories of 1 honey mustard doused chicken finger. And you’ve definitely had your fill of sustainable salomon. So take advantage of your parents’ plastic for some high quality sushi, porterhouse for two or a $12 assortment of nuts at a raw food cafe, if that’s what you’re into. Also, revel in the freedom of purchasing food after 2 am–unlike Nice Slice, Wendy’s never closes its door in your face at 1:59 a.m.
2. Visit your high school: but don’t be that kid who spends the whole day there. Make a gameplan of people you’d like to see and stick to it. Make sure to impress your history teacher with your first year seminar’s syllabus and recommend great books he’s wished he’d heard of, like Kim Philips-Fein’s Invisible Hands: The Making of the Conservative Movement from the New Deal to Reagan. Check in with the English teacher who always hated you and watch his face as you smear some good ‘ol Bakhtin all over it. Also, don’t hesitate to talk up your college at every possible opportunity, especially if you bump into that Yale kid back visiting too.
3. Rabidly consume TV and movies: keeping up with TV, movies and the Kardashians is particularly difficult for the average college student, but home affords you the time (and On-Demand content) to catch up on any shows and movies you desire (just don’t watch so much HBO that you forget to study for your calc midterm…). For seeing movies in theaters without breaking the bank, this proposition works: “Hey [insert parent], I’d love to spend some more time with [insert sibling]. Should he/she and I go to the movies?” This tends to work on a one movie per sibling ratio, although you could always lie, take the money and go a few times.
4. See high school friends: You may have stopped eating meat, but you’re still the goofball who put away three Double Shack Burgers one night in high school. I wish that were a true story, but that’s not the point: it’s an analogy for friendship. No matter how much the past changes, history remains the same and you must own up to it. Do something nostalgic like get together at the same house where you would always spend time–or just recreate the recklessness that characterized your senior spring; both sounds good.
5. Humor your mother’s questions: If you have a mother, you can guarantee she is going to pounce on you when you walk through the door. She’s dealing with the titanic void left by your absence, and the least you can do is sit down with her to expound the wonderful world of Brown University (and lie about how much time you spend in the library). In the long run, this will probably save you from a few midweek phone calls and possibly warm her heart enough to give you some spending money for the time at home – there’s no such thing as free lunch.