Sophomore concentration declarations are just around the corner, and I thought everyone should know how their choices will affect the future of their sex lives. This is the first in three installments going in reverse alphabetical order*. So get ready to discover what your education is really worth. Part 1: Visual Arts – MCM
Visual Arts: Art concentrators are always molding a new project, moving from one medium to another. And sexually they are the same way. They like to have as many paints and people on their pallet at once as possible. Used to nude drawings and abstract art, they aren’t afraid of anything or anyone. If you’re thinking of concentrating in visual arts, get ready to cover yourself in paint, have sex on a large canvas, and then hang it in the List gallery.
Theatre Arts & Performance Studies: As dedicated performers, these concentrators are down for role-play and public nudity. Dramatic by nature, they are open with their feelings and aren’t afraid to say what they want sexually. Actors are used to rejection, and regardless of how good the sex is–or will be–they know the show must go on. Just remember, these concentrators know how to perform, so beware of fake orgasms.
Sociology: These Brunonians know how everything from religion to economic status to environment can affect society, so when getting sexual they like to set the perfect mood. With no social pressures and a few scented candles, these majors make sex an experience ready to shake up societal standards. Think something in the word is caused by fate? Well these concentrators will show you 20 different things that could have lead to it and then they’ll show you a good time.
Public Policy & American Institutions: PPAI concentrators are all about the rules, the regulations, and the institutions. You will only have sex after you discuss the diffused and concentrated benefits of sleeping with each other versus the differential costs to your self-esteem. Don’t get me wrong, these concentrators like passing fluids just as much as they like passing legislation. But the one institution these concentrators may never fully understand is the institution of marriage.
Psychology: Freud said we all have unconscious sexual desires, and psychology concentrators like to assist the super-ego in making these desires known to themselves and everyone around. They love studying people and touching them. They study attraction in class and use Brown’s campus as their own personal psychology lab. They aren’t afraid to put themselves out there. Be wary of these concentrators–they know how to manipulate the human mind.
Pre-Med (track): Remember, all the sex you see on Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t come until after you complete medical school. You will put a lot of time into your education, so make sure you remember to focus on what is between your legs and not just what is between your ears. You may be able to sneak in a quickie between exams, but it’s unclear if it’s a quickie for convenience or necessity. Just kidding, homework doesn’t cause erectile dysfunction… organic chemistry does.
Political Science: These concentrators are always keeping things political. They are thinking about their future candidacies, so everything is behind closed doors. Say goodbye to PDA and sex on the beach. But beware: most of them will have internships somewhere on “the Hill,” and these politicians will know how to take away more innocence than is lost on “The Hills”. If you pick this major, be sure to stay away from shirtless Craiglist predators and “wide-stanced” Republicans.
PLME: Please. Let’s be real. You already decided the only bodies you will be touching are those in serious medical need. But don’t worry – after you complete your 8 long years, you will know enough about the human body to make anyone cum. And you may even have some people begging for it in your waiting room.
Physics: Newton has rightfully taught all these concentrators that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Physics concentrators don’t do anything without thinking about the consequences. They love committed relationships and consistent sex with a lot of force and friction. With all their knowledge of gravity, daring sex positions are a must.
Philosophy: Plato may have been stuck in the cave (or closet) thinking that we are all just shadows, but philosophy concentrators take a different stance. The world is a wonderful place to explore, and sex and sexuality is just another playing ground for the mind. They are down to get down, but beware of mid-sex existential crises (I’ve heard they’re quite common).
Neuroscience: These concentrators may know everything about sexual desire and dopamine pathways, but they don’t always use their brains during sex (too much blood rushing to the penis). All the talk of bats licking each other during sex in NEUR0010 may have gotten you hot and bothered, but you’ll need to leave the SciLi to get some of your receptive fields stimulated. If you decide on this major you will need to spend a little extra time studying anatomy as well.
Music: Get ready to have sex to the beat of Mahler 5. If music theory teaches you anything, it’s that there is nothing better than making sweet music. Music concentrators believe solos are great, but the more bodies there are in the pit, the more powerful the piece. And, ladies, I recommend dating a string player.
Modern Culture & Media: What is it to have sex, really? How can we have sex when today’s society grapples with the constant discontinuity of media and sexual desire? Is an orgasm a social statement? Anal is so plebeian. You may be having lots of sex, but you will have to talk about what it means for at least 50 minutes beforehand – usually in a room full of unbathed men.
*Note: not all concentrations will be listed. Masturbation is encouraged for the unlisted.