Brown Barrel: Internship

The Brown Barrel is an alliance of Brown’s written and performance comedy groups. This column runs twice a week. The first is short written humor, the second foretells upcoming comedy events.


Internship Application Decision

Hilary,

After reviewing your application and résumé, we believe that you are, by almost all accounts, an excellent candidate for the summer internship position at Twitter this summer. You seem bright and driven, and you have obviously put in time to learn many of the key skills necessary for the field of new media. However, it is important that you realize that the decisions you make about how you represent yourself online are absolutely fair game for employers like us to use in deciding between similar candidates.

What concerns us specifically is your Facebook profile. We tried clicking on everything, but it seems that you have some kind of privacy restriction in place that prevents us from seeing anything but your profile picture. What are you trying to say with this over-the-top security, Hilary? That you’re too cool to let us see your pictures? That you’re ashamed to show your full personality to the world? That you have something to hide? The field of new media is all about being outgoing, and we hesitate to accept a candidate who seems bent on concealing information.  

We also used an online search engine to look up your name and turned up only a few bylines in your student paper, the roster of an a cappella group, and the membership listings of two student government boards. Conspicuously lacking on your painfully boring search results page was any mention of past drug use, criminal involvement, or general deviancy. We couldn’t put a single profane racist tirade to your name, and we ended our search unconvinced that anyone could find anything incriminating about you at all, no matter how hard they searched.

Hilary, in today’s hyper-competitive world, all press is good press, no press is bad press, and you have unfortunately garnered no press which, like we said, is bad press. Thank you for applying, and though we cannot offer you a position at this time, we wish you luck as you continue your search.

Sincerely,

Seth Mandser
Twitter Recuiting

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