Yesterday was a sad, sad day for Brown University. The Princeton Review rolled out its annual batch of Arbitrary College Enumerations, and our beloved Brown University was shockingly absent from the #1 spot on the Happiest Students list. Sure we are still number three, but we were dethroned by Rice University (?) and Clemson University (double ?).
What the Princeton Review doesn’t realize is that we Brown students have never been as unhappy as we were yesterday when our crown was stolen. Jenny Bloom ’12 wept over a Meeting Street cookie wondering if “it [were] just a self-fulfilling prophecy.” Other students have taken to the streets crying for the rightful reclamation of our title. But most students have just sat on windowsills wondering what Rice and Clemson kids have that they don’t, besides the absence of a snowy, long, depressingly cold winter–who smells unfair advantage? Huffington Post voted us the 6th most hipster school (aren’t hipsters perpetually happy rubbing their egos?) and GQ took us out of the running for douchiest college, but this doesn’t seem to have helped us. Is it because we’re the next Ivy behind Princeton, Harvard and Yale in the 2011 Forbes rankings? Why oh why, Princeton Review, would you assume that we’re even a fraction as miserable as the students at those highly
depressing regarded institutions? See BlogDailyHerald’s happiness solution after the jump
In the hopes of helping us restore our former glory, we have compiled a list of things Brown University students can do to kick some Rice-and-Clemson-Happiness ass:
- Be Happier. Duh.
- Start Being Douche Bags Again: We were apparently happier when we were “‘Peace Sign on My Mom’s 7 Series’ [Douches]“. Thanks GQ. I turned in my BMW for an eco-friendly, but equally stylish Bianchi…though it lacks heat and snow tires. No wonder I’m not as happy.
- Have Our Name Sound like a Food: Rice and Clemson don’t remind anyone else of white rice and clementines?
- Move to the South: Rice and Clemson both have that going for them, so there must be something in the water or the shotguns.
- Increase the Quality of Life: No, I don’t really understand exactly what it means (it probably starts with having Jody Adams in the Ratty every night), but Rice takes the #1 spot in this category and it takes two of those to get the ‘Good Sportsmanship Trophy’ that is our 11th place rank.
- Run like Butter: Rice and Clemson both scored highly in the “School Runs like Butter” competition. Buttery Rice? How untraditional! So it seems we need a little more butter in our lives. Maybe we should spend a little more time with Paula Deen. Vegans, you have Parkay, and picky vegans have…well, the brand name almost definitely involves Earth or something.
- Release Our Inner Jock: Clemson was rated the 2nd jockiest school in the country and according to the Princeton review “everyone plays intramural sports”. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t….thanks Elle Woods!
- Lastly and mostly, we could stop reading these lists, over analyzing, and stressing about why we aren’t the happiest… Woops. Looks like we just messed up and did that one. Time to start again.
Hopefully the Princeton Review will realize what a horrible mistake it has made and re-bestow our honor next year. Still, remember to carry around a lacrosse stick or something athletic at all times and smile at anyone wearing a Princeton Review shirt. Fake it ’til you make it.