Hi. Heather HotPants here. Pleased to meet you, sexy.
I’ve been at Brown for three wonderful years. Great campus, great friends, great professors. Can’t complain about much. But I will say one thing – I think we’re doing it wrong. Sex, that is. Or, at least, the way we talk about sex. And dating. It’s all wrong. You’re hearing about the construction of gender norms. Or you’re reading snarky analysis of sexist trends in advertising. But when I talk to my friends, they’re talking about something different. They want to know the real practical stuff about sex. Like…How can I hit on that girl in my class without being creepy? How can I bring up wearing a condom without insulting anyone? How long should I wait to text after sleeping with someone?
I wanted to reach out to the Brown community and try to answer some of those questions so that you won’t have to learn them the hard way.
For my first column, I thought I’d start with the basics. So here we go. Four rules about sex at Brown.
1. Most people don’t know what they’re doing. No, sir, my clitoris is not located there. Or, just because your ex enjoyed hard-pounding sex does not mean that I appreciate the Road Runner style, too. Many girls feel that they don’t know what they’re doing either and they’re nervous about it. Why did he fall asleep while I was giving him head? I just don’t get it. How do I move my hips when I’m on top? The answer to all of this, young grasshopper, is that great piece of ancient Eastern wisdom: practice makes perfect.
I think that there’s this general fear that we’re supposed to know what we’re doing. Hello, we’re already 18, or 19, or 20, or 21, or worse, 22! What kind of 22 year old doesn’t know what to do in bed? Well, I can tell you…just about every other 22 year-old around you. Of course there are exceptions and yes, I’ve had some really great sex with some good ol’ college-aged boys. But to tell the truth, I think it all comes with time and experience. So before you start fearing – Hello, I’m already 25. What kind of 25 year-old doesn’t know what to do in bed? – it’s best to get the experience now while you’re in college. Don’t be shy. I bet the cutie you’ve been eyeing is also looking to get some practice, too.
2. Don’t be dumb about protection. The laws of the universe still apply even though we’re on a college campus. Your books don’t go floating around the Rock because gravity exists. Even at Brown. So, remember all those other rules about the universe you’ve probably learned at some point? Like that there are these things called infections that live in private parts that can jump out into someone else’s private parts and do some pretty bad damage? Right…so, those still apply here at Brown, too.
Now, maybe I’m just sleeping with the wrong guys, but too often did I feel that these gentlemen were not going to mention a condom until I demanded one. In fact, many of them did not even have condoms in their house. No condoms?? In a college dorm?? Condoms should be a basic necessity. Your parents drop you off, you buy shampoo, a toothbrush, and condoms. You were smart enough to get into Brown. Now use your brain and protect yourself.
3. The best time to have sex isn’t drunk at 2am. Actually, the best time to have sex is in the afternoon around 4pm. Your muscles are awake and you don’t have much to do. It’s the perfect break from work and it’ll leave you feeling reinvigorated for the rest of the day. Try it. I promise it’s great. Late night is difficult because you’re tired after a long day. Neither person really wants to get on top. And drunk is difficult, well, because how can you please someone in bed when you can’t even stand up straight? Sure, you may feel sexier at this time and in this state of mind, but the thing is, you’re not. You’re much sexier the way you are: an intelligent adult who can confidently and maturely communicate what you want.
4. It’s tacky to sleep with all your friends. You know that line about “the best relationships start with friendship”? Sure. I believe it. But if you really feel that you’re in love with your best friend, you’ll have to sit down with that person to have a mature conversation. Jumping into bed with him or her is a bad call because you’re risking losing your friendship and replacing it with some serious heartbreak. In most cases, though, students at Brown are sleeping with their friends because it’s convenient. We form little groups. Just because we eat with, study with, and party with the same people over and over does not mean that we should sleep with them, too. Brown is a lot bigger than the five people that you see everyday.