Amanda and I went to Whiskey Republic on Saturday to check out DropKick Murphys. There he was: Mr. Soccer, in the flesh. Now, Mr. Soccer, for those of you who do not know, is Amanda’s big crush from her sociology seminar. Yet after months of talking about him, Amanda froze up like a Nintendo 64 when she discovered him outside of class.
“OMIGOD! OMIGOD!” Amanda mouthed to me as we sat at the bar.
“Go talk to him,” I suggested.
But Amanda was too nervous. She would talk to him, she insisted, but only after a drink to loosen up. Fast-forward thirty minutes. Amanda is throwing back enough shots to make LMFAO nervous. And when Mr. Soccer did come over, it was too late. He reached over to touch her arm and drunk Amanda’s brain mistook his flirty gesture for a threatening blow. She fell over in slow motion, landing like a cockroach on its back, her four-inch heels kicking wildly in the air. I don’t think I need to say it, but Amanda doesn’t stand much of a chance of finding real love with Mr. Soccer anytime soon.
So what is the right protocol when we see our Brown crush at a party? How do we ensure that it can move from this one night into the real thing? This week, I’ll give you a list of bad behavior to avoid.
1. Get wasted – Amanda’s example is probably enough but just in case you’re not convinced, think of it this way: how many times have you been turned off by a sober person at a party? Probably never. Now, how many times has a drunk person turned you off? Probably a few times. Being inebriated feels good but it just ain’t that cute to everyone around you.
2. Try to make that person jealous – If you see your crush at a party, you’re obviously not going to spend the whole night staring at him or her. If you’ve done this, then you’re creepy. On the other hand, it’s not a good idea to ignore this person and spend your night chatting up other potential mates. You may get so carried away trying to make your crush jealous that, when you turn around, he or she has left the party. And whatever you do, please do not make out with someone else to make your crush jealous. That’s enough perverse psychology to make Freud uncomfortable.
3. Fondle your crush in the bathroom at AEPi – A girl I knew once gave a guy head in a public bathroom and was heartbroken when he didn’t want anything more than a booty call. Sometimes, we’re so excited to finally see that person outside of class, we want to cram all the fun into one night. Be patient, young Brunonian. I’m not saying “don’t sleep with this person right away.” The jury is still out on that one and indeed, many first-date hookups blossom into full-blown romance. But in general, hooking up with this person in a public place sends the signal that you’re not very serious about it.
So, now that you’ve mastered which behaviors to avoid, how can you make love happen? Stay tuned and next week, I’ll cover how to best approach your crush during your night out.
Questions for Heather HotPants? Write her at firstname.lastname@example.org.