What do you first think about when you hear the names ‘Guy‘ and ‘Louie?’ Probably that guy from that funny show, Louie C.K.. Well, if you watch enough Food Network, the only Guy in your life has bleached blonde hair and a penchant for bling. After accessing your mental encyclopedia of Triple D episodes, you find that Guy actually visited beloved Brook Street eatery Loui’s Family Restaurant a couple years back. What you didn’t realize, however, was how enthralling the episode actually was. In fact, the Loui’s segment on Triple D may be the embodiment of everything fantastic about Fieri’s show–from its catchphrases to its genuine false enthusiasm. You didn’t ask for it, so we’re bringing it to you: the comprehensive guide to Loui’s appearance on Guy Fieri’s hit program, Diners, Drive-ins and Dives (apparently no Harvard commas on the Food Network).
Disclaimer: IF you haven’t seen the video, you may want to adjust your windows so that you can simultaneously read this entirely unnecessary commentary while watching the 5 minute and 56 second long video.
0:02 - Hey, that’s a swell looking sky blue house (on a house grey sky) there on Brook St. I hear its occupants affectionately call it Bloui’s. How clever.
0:05 – Really, Guy Fieri? You ‘so dig’ doing shows on the East Coast? How do you explain the disproportionate number of restaurants featured from your three favorite locales: Las Vegas, Somona County and Portland, Oregon. Your love of sin, upper-middle class banality and hipster cuisine keeps you west of the Rockies 9 times out of 10.
0:19 - “great food, at reasonable prices, to college students,” is that actually what Loui’s is all about? Nope, it’s definitely the 5 am pitcher of beer.
0:21 – “Everyone knows about it.”
0:32 – John Giafrancesco? So that’s his name…and his brother, Albert!
0:38 – And his dad Louis was a cook in the army. It all makes sense now.
0:49 – Doubt it’s actually the same as when you first walked in the door.
1:00 – You pick your jaw up off the floor after realizing that Loui’s does, in fact, serve BBQ Chicken Ravioli.
1:17 – Guy guarantees us that the 16 ingredients in the BBQ sauce are actually 16 tickets to Flavortown. I have six of them in my pantry right now and I’m pretty sure my cooking still tastes like shit.
1:22 – Guy breaks the fourth wall for the first time and says “I can’t believe I just said the all aboard part.” Gosh, food travel shows can get so meta.
1:38 – And as predicted, Guy makes a semi-snarky comment while he judges the owner’s choice for cooking temperature and time. That’s like a wrestler telling a UFC fighter his matches don’t look authentic.
2:06 – Guy Fieri to the rescue with a bigger bowl. We notice for the first time that John, while he knows the recipes perfectly, probably doesn’t work in the kitchen often.
2:28 – God, does he love his fresh pasta. And then a horn blows.
2:36 – “Wow” = “Jesus this place would never exist in Santa Rosa.”
3:00 – He only gave him ten. This Guy is so ready to get back in the cardinal red muscle car.
3:11 – As good as any ravioli we’ll find? Shocking- I’ve never seen somebody order it at Loui’s. “Off the hook” = Yes, this actually tastes good.
3:26 – “Tastes like he knows what he’s doin!”
3:38 – The past ten seconds of food have been absolutely beautiful. Corned beef hash with a sear worthy of any top steakhouse, for a couple bucks.
3:57 – “Interesting” is Guy-talk for not so good food at a restaurant populated by the elderly and girls with too many piercings.
4:16 – Yes, all that. Just for granola. Its the best they can do for from scratch dishes. Sorry the predictably overcast Providence environment isn’t conducive to backyard gardens growing daikon and fresh cilantro to toss in with your Napalm Blast Vietnamese-style tacos.
4:26 – “Do you like my drizzling technique?” Probably the most suggestive quotation to come out of the episode.
4:37 – Who the hell is Gallagher? If Guy casually references him he probably isn’t kitschy or talentless or anything like that. Is Guy Fieri the prop comedian of celebrity ‘chefs?’
4:58 – “He’s rubbing, we’re watching.” I lied about the drizzling line being the most suggestive quotation to come out of the episode. This one definitely takes the cake.
5:04 – “Don’t let me get ahead of it or anything, just dump it right in.” I should just let the video speak for itself. Honestly, out of context this show could be the dialogue from one of those obscured-view ‘shower scenes’ in R-rated comedies from the 80s. “How about I dump it in and you try to whisk it.”
5:30 – Let the tasting and obvious, uninsightful commentary commence.
5:42 – Food Network adheres to a strict policy of having its interviewees all say variations on the same, praiseworthy elements of each restaurant: large portions, tasty food and distinctively warm hospitality.
5:56 – The feature ends with “Congratulations, what a neat place, man.” He’s not even going to address John by his first name? He’s not going to say he’ll be back!? Who even uses the word neat anymore? Louis’ is a solid restaurant with one of the best breakfast deals in town. Just because Loui’s doesn’t drown its food in irony, organic green chile and gastronomical ignorance doesn’t mean it doesn’t offer up consistent and convenient eats to Brown students and the community. In the age of sustainable pop-up food truck concept experiences (I’m talking to you, Clover Food Lab in Cambridge), it’s refreshing to be able to eat at a place that appreciates the grease on its griddle as a measure of its merit and longevity.
So what did we ultimately learn? Fieri’s a goofball. Loui’s serves more than eggs and homefries. That nice guy’s name is John. Long live diner food, the way it was meant to be.