Bathroom Battles: Best and worst toilets on campus

Welcome to four years of single ply.

It’s time to decide what really matters: bathrooms. You might spend most of your time in dorms or dining halls, but bathrooms are where college memories are made. So break out the triple-ply and spray a cloud of Febreze; the BlogDH is finding the most luxurious—and loathsome—lavatories on campus.

Part I: The Best

5. The Third World Center: The toilets at the TWC, luckily, do not live up to their name of third-world. Here, you can drop logs in comfort: maroon crown molding, wooden blinds and matching floral drapes make this room feel classy and welcoming. There is even a can of Lysol spray, in case you were a bit overzealous with the beans during lunch.

4. Rhode Island Hall: Most students might not even know about the Joukowsky Institute for Archaeology, let alone its Zen temple of a bathroom. But tucked away in the basement of Rhode Island Hall is a toilet where you can take your number two like Indiana Jones, just without evil Russians/Nazis/brown people, and if Indiana Jones raided four star hotels.

3. Faunce: As if Brown really needed another reason to like Faunce. Between focaccia sandwiches and the glass study room, students could practically live in Faunce (in fact, some probably do).

If you someday decide to pack up and squat somewhere in the study rooms permanently, then your hygienic needs at Faunce will be amply served. Here, you can not only do your number two in space and cleanliness; you can do so while being environmental. With eco-friendly toilets (that flush two ways!) and Dyson Airblades, you can reduce water and paper use. That’s right, your dumps, for once, are green.

Actually, if your dumps are green, see a doctor please.

2. John Hay Library: There’s something disconcerting about going to a bathroom in a building whose claim to fame is books bound in human leather. But if you can get over the willies and make your way down to the John Hay Library, be prepared to poo like a Greek god. (Fun fact: That’s how you make falafel.)

Down the stairs, beyond the archives and behind the shady paper “restroom” sign is a bathroom with walls clad in marble. Yes, marble, the stone used to make cheap replicas of masterpieces for tourists. Even the water is magical. Not settling for regular, the toilet water is bright blue from disinfectant, and you can have way too much fun turning it green with pee.

1. J. Walter Wilson: One can’t help but wonder what the architects had in mind when they were designing the first floor bathrooms of the J. Walter Wilson Center. At the end of the hallway past the rows of mailboxes is a seemingly innocuous, gender-neutral bathroom. But inside is a world of magic, and by magic we mean 10¢ flavored condoms and a shower.

But moving past the initial whys (why is there a condom dispenser? Why is there a shower? Why is the shower roomier than mine, and why does it have a detachable head attachment?), the JWOW bathroom begs the question, “why is it in JWW of all places?” Maybe those 80’s pornos involving delivery men with big packages were a lot more truthful than we thought.

Honorable Mention

Sayles First Floor Filled with historical charm and character, the first floor of Sayles (not to be confused with the basement) is a great place to slip in for an afternoon deuce. The ceiling is high, the floors are clean, and you can imagine centuries of cheeks (where some of this school’s greatest ideas were pulled from) pressed up against your current seat. But just remember to close the windows; they are vast, open and oh-so eye-level.

Gender-Neutral Bathrooms: Kudos are due in two places. The first is that gender neutral bathrooms haven’t destroyed my childhood games. The second is that Brown is becoming more diverse and accepting, but more importantly students now have yet another way to feel superior and worldly.

Check in soon for “Part II: The Bad,” and leave comments for other good, bad and ugly bathrooms around campus.

The author would like to apologize to the Ratty for depleting the supply of bran, granola and coffee for the sake of this article.  

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2 Comments

  1. Flavored condoms for 10cents!?

    What college is this!

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