There comes a time in every person’s life where he must shed his civility, his horn-rimmed glasses, and his cut-off jean vest and succumb to basal human savagery, also known as animal behavior. Fellow students, we are beary proud to announce that that time is Saturday.
The Governor’s Cup, under the lights, promises the posturing and school spirit that Brown wishes it had year round. The football stadium will be alight with the passionate faces of inebriated students, the entropic clamor of the Brown band and…uh, lights. In order to create the hubbub that we seek, enter Brown State University. Brown State is an ideal we all aim to achieve, as practiced with a variety of accoutrements – the dizzy bat, the most Natural of Lights, and the beat-boppin’ sounds of a pump-up playlist. Brown State is – in simplest terms – an epic tailgate.
In order to facilitate effective cheering and bolster interest in a bunch of men running in tights, insert liquid school spirits.
For the boys, the classic fratgear will suffice, but there is always that one element that separates the boys from the men – that element is a grill. For the ladies, we have a number of drinks to make that vodka taste a little sweeter going down the pipes. A point of information: tailgating is a time to resuscitate the tomboy you thought died within you when you entered middle school – she didn’t – she’s baaack! with a fratagonia and a backwards hat.
Boys: your task is simple. Take that pale “ale” and shove it down your throats in bulk. Options include a casual can in hand or an aggressive shotgun circle. In order to keep the juices flowing, you will also need a place to break the seal and “unload” your excess liquid. Preferably this will not be uphill from the festivities, as streams tend to run downward.
Girls: just like clothes, the beauty of our alcohol take is that it comes in many shapes and sizes.
- Pink panty droppers – vodka, pink lemonade mix, and beer. No need to waste any stomach space on nonalcoholic liquid – this sweet fix will hook you up with a nice warm feeling inside. Warning: these are deceptively strong, so fill your Solo cup with care.
- Shandies – ¾ beer, ¼ sprite. Tailgates tend to be heavier on the beer than the liquor. This drink makes use of the former, so you can save your money and your hard stuff for a later date. For girls who think beer is just too bitter, the shandy makes it taste more like a soft drink. The Sprite cuts the aftertaste, thereby serving as a conduit on your path to inebriation.
- Frangelico – packaged in a bottle that looks like Aunt Jemima, Frangelico is an hazelnut liqueur. “Oh, don’t mind me, I am just hanging at a tailgate with an iced coffee” – lies. That iced coffee is spiked, and I am sure you’re casually into it. Try it for yourself – trust me, you’ll be happy you did. (*this can also be substituted for Baileys)
- Sparkles – Andre, Barefoot Bubbly, whatever else comes in large sizes and cheap prices. Bubbles go straight to your head, offering a light tingling sensation that will set in fast. However, what goes up must come down – watch out for the 10 pm hangover that is likely to ensue.