Anybody on meal plan knows the Blue Room is the pinnacle of Brown-sponsored dining (sorry, Faculty Club), offering sophisticated baked goods, outsourced Asian food, Vita Coco and, of course, sandwiches.
But what’s in a sandwich?
Much more than deli meat, I assure you. A sandwich is really a gateway into the soul — each piece of vegetation, protein and spread hinting at the true nature of one’s spirit. And since sandwiches are pure expressions of individuality, the best place to truly find oneself is in the Stephen Robert ’62 Campus Center. So, without further ado, a highly scientific quiz to determine what your Blue Room sandwich says about you:
A. White Roll: I like carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs I do adore.
B. Wheat Wrap: Prioritizing protection against leaks and bursts (of sandwich fillings), while still being healthy (or at least thinking you are).
C. Whole Wheat Roll: You’re so dedicated to seeds that you’re willing to sacrifice meat/cheese-holding abilities for the sake of bird food.
D. Sliced Bread: Uniformity of food products is of the utmost importance.
A. Chipotle Mayo: Love that Subway flavor without that Subway stink.
B. Balsamic Vinaigrette: To you “the Ratty” is code for “salad bar,” and you can’t bear the sight of mayonnaise.
C. Artichoke and Spinach Hummus: Enjoying plain hummus is so early-2000’s.
D. Yellow Mustard: You probably ate the same thing every day in elementary school, and it probably involved Oscar Mayer, Kraft Singles and French’s.
A. Ham and Turkey: Straight-up meat, bro.
B. Prosciutto: You watch enough Food Network to know that this is worth $0.50 more than the nitrate-infused shit they call ham.
C. Grilled Vegetables: Root and Shoot your way to a successful vegetarian sandwich at the Blue Room.
D. Roast Beef: There’s no bologna, so this works.
A. Cheddar: Some real American cheese, like from Vermont.
B. Mozzarella: It’s not DiPaolo, but if I close my eyes, the sandwich may taste as sophisticated at that Dean & Deluca stuff Mom used to pack me for lunch.
C. Chèvre: A secret, below-the-counter sandwich saviour.
D. American: Someone told me this stuff is processed. I think they’re lying — it’s American!
V. Sans Cheese: So you’re a vegan (or lactose intolerant). Tough luck.
A. Lettuce and Tomato: Because aren’t those the only two vegetables you can put on a sandwich?
B. Basil and Mixed Greens: My veggies got mad flavor.
C. Arugula and Onion: Like your veggies with a peppery and oniony bite – and you aren’t making any moves on a significant other in the next 3 hours.
D. What Vegetables?: There’s no room for green in my diet.
A and D. Sliced: Because that’s how mom did it.
B and C. Unsliced: Unity of time, unity of place, unity of action, unity of sandwich.
Mostly A’s: You want to maximize your sandwich’s hunger-satiating potential. If you could put meat and potatoes in your sandwich, you would, but a huge bulky roll of refined white flour with plenty of poultry and swine does the trick. In this age of dainty sandwiches with smatterings of ‘fresh’ ingredients, you stand alone. Personality Traits: independent, hedonistic, athletic.
Mostly B’s: You might watch cooking shows, probably read Amuse-Bouche and definitely appreciate that the Blue Room is the one place on campus that tastes relatively fresh…but it’s still not Yura on Madison. Personality Traits: epicurious,
sophisticated pretentious, (you would describe yourself as) cosmopolitan.
Mostly C’s: You’re most likely a vegetarian, health-conscious or both. You wish the Ratty could have these delicious, slightly-blackened grilled vegetables instead of ‘Malibu Veggie Patties’ (supposedly more corn, rice and occasional sprouts makes something Malibu-ian), but alas, there are still many long nights of chickpeas and lentils in your future. Personality Traits: healthy, (supposedly) kind (to animals), (potentially) holier than thou.
Mostly D’s: You were a picky eater as a child, but now you’re just an embarrassment. If the Blue Room sold Lunchables, you wouldn’t even bother with the excessive lines. A, B and C implore you to expand your culinary horizons. Personality Traits: unadventurous, simple, consistent.
Mixed Bag: Variety is the spice of life, but it’s also the factor that renders these indefinite personality quizzes 100% useless (as opposed to 70% useless). Thus we say to you: Tough cookies, your individuality goes beyond the scope of this collection of questions.
Next time you see a cute guy or girl stepping up to the Blue Room sandwich line, remember to judge his/her gastronomical decision-making, because it truly is the best judge of character.