Frosh-cessities: The Freshman’s Survival Guide to Family Weekend

Family Weekend’s coming, so for those whose parents love ‘em enough to visit (really, mom? I know you can afford the plane ticket) they can look forward to all the fun, family-y things to come: Passive aggressive parents, extorting food from your loved ones, and lying on the spot about how we spend our weekends (or weekdays, for that matter).

But before you are all unhappy-in-our-own-ways, it’s time for you guys to finally do some housekeeping (beyond flipping the blankets over or throwing a pillow on top – that doesn’t count as changing your bedding). So calm down; hide yo’ cans, hide yo’ weed. Here’s your Family Weekend 2011 Cheat Sheet for what you have to do.

Drugs, Sex and Alcohol

Everywhere in your room is fair game for unreasonable searches and seizures motherly check-ins, so it’s time to be clever about stashing your stash. Personal favorite hiding places include:

  • DIY book cutout. Props if you use a Bible or your first year readings.
  • In the trash can. While you’re at it, get rid of the red cups and condoms, and cover it with smart-people trash, like wrappers of fine cheese and fair-trade coffee.
  • The rooms of your friends whose parents aren’t visiting. They’ll need something to do this weekend.

Furnishings and Decorating

So you’ve managed to hide your Smirnoff and Trojans, but you’re not done yet. You’re in for the long run. Your best crafted stories will be betrayed by the smallest details.

  • Change out your pot-Marley and Periodic Table of Alcohol posters (Let’s face it, you’re not Rastafarian, and they aren’t that clever or original anyway.) Instead, try puppies for a change of scenery.
  • Febreeze.
  • Laundry is not a chair cover, throw pillow, or rug. Pick up your clothes—unless they’re covering up a suspicious stain, in which case, figure your life out first.
  • Artfully arrange your books and pens on your desk. You are supposed to be in school, remember?
  • Febreeze some more.

Emergency Maneuvers

Alas, the best laid plans go awry (or in this case, the last minute, oh-shit scramble), so in the case your mother sees something suspicious, here’s how you cover yourself.

  • “That’s [insert roommate’s name here]’s; I swear!” (Use only if you have no intent of being friends with your roommate)
  • “That’s not a bong—it’s a vase I got from an artisanal fair.”
  • “That’s hair gel. See …?”

Image via


Leave a Reply