Health and Safety Inspections: ResLife-proofing your room

What’s this? We have Health and Safety Inspections this week? Damn—just as Family Weekend ends and I think it’s safe to use my gerbil-powered hot plate to make some homemade candles, this has to happen.


Let’s see … what do I have to clean-up?

•Power strips without circuit breaker and UL-listing
•Unauthorized air conditioner or space heater present

So … the 30 plugs in the extension cord (which might violate Chinese safety regulations) aren’t cool? But I need my speaker/strobe light/lava lamp/Hello Kitty toaster combination!

•Excessive trash, recycling or debris

Well, define excessive. I can still see the ground; does that count?

•Evidence of smoking/incense

I’d never smoke! It’s a disgusting *cough* habit. And incense—what do I look like, a Brown student?

•Wooden construction with non-approved materials/construction method
•Excessive wall decorations/canopies/tapestries
•Means of egress obstructed

Goddamn it, I wanted to relive Community’s blanket forts! That’s half the reason I came to college in the first place.

•Halogen torchière floor lamp present
•Fire safety equipment obstructed/visually damaged/tampered with
•Evidence of candles (lit or unlit) or other flame operated devices ($100 fine for confiscated candles)

Cool. I’ve managed to maintain my pyro tendencies, and I didn’t even know what a torchière was. Nope, don’t have anything on the list: I don’t know how they’ll feel about my flamethrower, though …

•Evidence of pets.

I swear that dog food is for me; it’s a new diet I’m trying. And those totally aren’t rabbit droppings; they’re … Cocoa Puffs?

•Unauthorized appliances

That’s racist! I’m Asian and I need my rice cooker.

•Excessive paper or flammable materials on interior/exterior of room door
•Flammable, toxic or hazardous materials
•Alcohol, illegal drugs or drug paraphernalia


•University lounge furniture present

Well, they didn’t say anything about stealing Ratty silverware and dishes.

Any which way, there’s only one clear solution to this: Be responsible and obey the law throw it all under the blankets and call it a day. After all, it’s only illegal if you’re caught.

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