Who Run the World? Squirrels: An Exposé

They’re climbing in Brown’s trash cans. They’re snatching your old food up.  But seriously, have you noticed how fat squirrels have gotten recently? No, it’s not the Freshman 15 (or the Freshman 7.8, per Brown Med. School Research). You don’t need to hide your kids, hide your wife or hide your husbands, but you should be warned that these squirrels are quite the feisty and ravenous little rodents.

Where them squirrels at on campus? They run this motha! They’re constantly scavenging in the trash cans at Grad Center, leaping out at people in front of Archibald, scurrying across the Main Green and getting their little paws on any trace of food they can get, banana peels (weirdly, quite frequently) included. Winter’s a comin’, and these bad boys are preparing for hibernation. Consequently, Brunonians avoid these creatures like the plague. 

For those of you new to the Northeast, the only experience you may have with hibernation is Sandy Cheek’s classic bitch-fit. But if you haven’t noticed yet, it gets cold around here. While we wear heavy-duty down jackets, scarves and gloves, our furry friends don’t have this luxury. Instead, squirrels eat a lot of food, get extremely fat and sleep all winter while we all freeze to death wish we were sitting around a hearth.

So, why do these squirrels always seem like they’re on crack around this time of year? Are these squirrels drinking the left-over mixed drinks from our red cups in the trash from last weekend? Possibly. Are they trying to bulk up to win the hearts of the lady squirrels? Probably not. They’re just tryna stay warm. Whatever you do, be wary of the squirrels at Brown, as they are rodents on a mission. Take note of these squirrels’ growing corpulence and take comfort in the fact that you can’t possibly gain that much weight at that speed.  And if you are, I’m sorry. #RattyProblems.

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