Top 5 Halloweaknesses

Exactly one week from today, it will be Halloween. When you’re a child, the holiday’s meaning is quite simple–plenty of candy and plenty of walking around the neighborhood in store-bought superhero outfits while your mom attempts to impose futile limits on the amount of houses you try to shake down for Kit Kat bars. When you’re a Brown University student, Halloween is a celebration of vice–a week long, alcohol-fueled torrent of bad behavior and absurd(ly slutty) outfits. We all have our Halloweaknesses, but only Brown’s top 5 can be found after the jump.

  1. Outfits Easily Described with a Negative Adjective: Whorish. Silly. Childish. Absolutely fucking ridiculous. Overpriced. Not worth the effort. The list can go on and on. If Halloween is a test of anything, it’s probably a trial of the limits of self respect. Having said that, there may be nothing more enjoyable then relinquishing all self-consciousness and going out to a Halloween party as Dick in a Box. In fact, the reason young adults feel the need to wear the most obscene costumes imaginable may be a response to elementary and secondary schools’ arbitrarily strict policies on Halloween costumes…or maybe not.
  2. Partying: As a child, Halloween was a special day to wear costumes in school and interact with a crotchety neighbor in exchange for some Necco Wafers (they’re like Smarties, except they suck!) When you’re a college student, daytime costumes are for LARPing and trick-or-treating is for children–so what does Halloween mean? Parties. From the deluge of Facebook events and fliers, you plot out your social schedule, complete with friend-coordinated outfits and scheduled pre-game times. Then you go out, from Monday to Monday, enjoying the same sweaty rooms with different sweaty costumes. Why? Because it’s Halloweek–the Spring Week of the fall–but with more lingerie. Just remember to try and get your eight hours somehow-preferably from 9 to 5, when you aren’t going to your two lectures and sections.
  3. Oh, the Alcohol: College students like to drink, a lot. During Halloweek, college students like to drink a lot more. Maybe it’s the need to set a baseline of reduced inhibitions for the entire week, or maybe it’s just the high-frequency partying. Regardless of the cause, Spiritus and Darwin’s do good business during the last week of October–especially with the obscure liquors. Nobody in their right mind would want to buy SoCo with Tabasco under normal circumstances, but when it’s needed to add some bite to your Jungle Juice or form the base for the Hell shot at a Seven Deadly Sins party, it’s totally necessary. Plus, stale beer and vomit always do a fantastic job of eliminating that plastic-y factory smell from your Buzz Lightyear onesie.
  4. Too Much Candy: Here is one Halloweakness that applies to children and adults of all ages, but at college it can be particularly bad. All those professors and receptionists think they’re being cute with that big bowl of fun size chocolate on their desks, but really they’re just trying to render your four day workout schedule completely pointless. We’ve all heard of the ubiquitous Freshman 15, but the Halloween 5 is also a real problem. Do you know how many calories are in a fun size Butterfinger? Way too fucking many 100. This would be fine if anybody ate just one, but fun size is so fun because you can stash a dozen of them in your pocket and snack throughout the day.  You can even use them to elevate those Ratty Halloween cupcakes to candy-topped masterpieces!
  5. Tricks-or-Treats: When sugar highs and drunken stupors come together with Scream masks, there is inevitably some bad behavior–especially when the campus boasts so many inanimate metal statues to deface. Does Augustus look better covered in low-grade toilet paper and boasting a ten-inch strap on? Just step onto Wriston this weekend to find out. From standard TP-ing (greatly aided by the industrial sized rolls in campus bathrooms) and egging (the incredible, edible and throwable egg), to more ambitious (and highly dangerous) pyrotechnic spectacles, teens and college kids like to up the ante around Halloween–especially the night before, which is the typical American Mischief Night.

Enjoy your week, but be careful to ensure that your Halloweaknesses do not get in the way of anyone else’s fun. Now go get degenerate!

2 Comments

  1. OOO the good old days. Enjoy it while you can, now day I just hand out candy, sometimes…

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