Every now and then, I see a movie I wish I could get my hands on and remake with my own flair. The movie doesn’t have to be unexpectedly bad, it just needs to be open to some re-envisioning. Hey, the lives of armchair directors may be comfy and covered with a thin layer of Cheeto dust, but that doesn’t mean we’re wrong. And since we’re at a school with a rich creative history, we can take our musing a step further and say, “I should totally remake this at Brown.”
So, which popular movies would be vastly improved by a relocation to our campus? Here are four that would certainly benefit from getting the College Hill treatment:
A Beautiful Mind. A brilliant MCM concentrator hallucinates he has been recruited by SPIN to write scathing cultural criticism of 30 Seconds to Mars. Supportive friends and colleagues show him the truth — he is schizophrenic and has actually been writing rambling 10-star reviews of Creed albums. The truth nearly destroys him, but he gains some morsel of solace in the productive yet morose study of Russian Lit.
Things that Wouldn’t Be Changed: Cold War, electroshock therapy, close-call baby drowning, Ed Harris
Pulp Fiction. In which two eccentric Tech House bros beat the ever-loving fuck out of a gaggle of Thete pledges who refuse to cosplay properly. Also, Uma Thurman walks around with swords. Yes, we’re combining those movies.
Things that Wouldn’t Be Changed: saying “What” again, eating Royales with Cheese, being allowed to retort
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. In which a Comp Lit concentrator destroys the Empire by calling Darth Vader and telling him he’s doomed due to the fact that he’s kinda living in a monomyth at the moment.
Things that Wouldn’t Be Changed: close-call incest, flamboyant robots, blue milk
Stand and Deliver (the sequel version). In which the original movie’s group of high schoolers — now a group of naive first-years — attempts to succeed in school armed only with their trusty supply of spunk and wifebeaters. Remarkably, they fail, but the Registrar’s disbelief at their ability to achieve the rare grade of C quickly convinces the lads and lasses to take everything S/NC, and they all turn out okay in the end. A wide-open ending sets up their bullshitting Grad School antics.
Things that Wouldn’t Be Changed: soul-crushing focus on the importance of AP grades, stirring string crescendos