(Weird) crime@Brown, part 2

There was too much crazy to be contained in one post.

8 Nov ’09, 9:49 p.m.:  Two female Brown students stated they were on the basement level of the Rockefeller Library studying in a work station when they noticed a middle-aged male talking on a cell phone. When one of the females took a closer look, she realized the male had his penis exposed and was looking directly at her. The subject fled on foot. Officers searched the area with negative results. … Rock masturbator, John Street masturbator.  Clearly, masturbators love hipsters.

18 Sept ’09, 2:26 p.m.:  Complainant reported that half of her ice-cream birthday cake was stolen from a refrigerator in a common area in Sidney Frank Hall. The incident occurred sometime between 3 p.m. on Sept. 17 and 2 p.m. on Sept. 18. She also reported that other food items were also stolen from the refrigerator in that area in the past couple of days and months prior, that belong to other students that work in the labs on that floor. The common area room does not have a lock on that door and access can be gained by anyone. … What was I supposed to do when I saw half of a birthday cake in a fridge?!

14 Oct ’08, 12:05 p.m.:  An officer was dispatched to meet with Residential Life staff regarding a health and safety inspection in Vartan Gregorian Quad. A common room contained boxes of empty glass beer bottles, a bucket and a large glass bottle containing some form of brew, and a box containing a home brewing kit. One of the staff doing the inspections asked the residents of the suite area if they owned the items in the common room. One of the students took responsibility and the matter is being handled by Student Life. … The important question is, what form of brew?

5 Oct ’08, 10:36 p.m.:  A Brown student reported that while riding his bicycle on Benefit Street, a four-foot long fluorescent light bulb was thrown at him from a vehicle with three male occupants. He stated that the light bulb struck the rear wheel of his bicycle. The student was not injured. … But his bike suffered emotional damage.

5 Oct ’08, 1:40 a.m.:  The manager of Josiah’s advised DPS that he had just returned from chasing two suspects who he observed drink two Vitamin waters and one of them stuffed three Hostess cupcakes into his pockets. The manager said he had never seen the two suspects before and the total of goods taken was approximately twelve dollars. … Don’t pretend you’ve never wanted to stuff Hostess cupcakes in your pockets and run.

19 Apr ’08, 6:59 p.m.:  A student reported that while walking north on Thayer Street in the area of the Sciences Library, she passed a male and female who she believes spit some kind of liquid drink on her left arm. She approached the male subject and asked him if he had spit at her. He stated he didn’t, and he laughed. She informed him that she was going to call DPS. The subject then apologized and the victim went on her way. … That wasn’t a drink.

5 Apr ’08, 2:02 a.m. A student reported that he and his friend discovered that hot glue was placed in the door lock of his room in Grad Tower A. The door could not be opened and Facilities Management was notified. There are no suspects at this time. … That wasn’t glue.

1 Apr, ’08:   A long day of crime.

1 Mar ’08, 11:14 p.m.:  A student reported that at approximately 9 p.m., she rollerbladed alone to Kennedy Plaza. Two females began talking to her. They pushed the victim down and punched her in the face about four times. The student declined medical attention. PPD is investigating. … Everyone hates rollerbladers.

28 Feb ’08, 5:40 a.m.:  A Facilities Management employee stated that a male knocked on the door of Josiah’s. She approached and saw that the man appeared to be a student. She asked him if he were a student, and he stated that he was. The employee opened the door and allowed the student to enter. She handed him some paper napkins to stop some bleeding from his chin. She stated that he looked as if he had been in a fight, and he smelled like he had been drinking. The employee stated that the student grabbed a bag of chips and walked outside. She did not see his direction of travel. Officers checked the area but were not able to locate anyone fitting the description. … An elaborate ploy.

23 Mar ’07, 9:31 a.m.:  Person reported that unknown persons removed a machine from Barus and Holley. The matter is under investigation. … What? What kind of machine?

15 Mar ’07, 4:21 p.m.:  Complainant in Perkins Hall reported that she received a fraudulent e-mail supposedly from Bank of America requesting that she update her personal information. Upon doing so, she found that an undisclosed amount of money was illegally withdrawn from her bank account. Complainant contacted Bank of America’s fraud department and an investigation into this matter is underway. … It’s OK, she just made friends with a Nigerian prince.  He can help.

12 Mar ’07, 10:46 a.m.:  Person reported that a shower stall in a women’s restroom in Minden Hall was painted purple. There are no suspects or witnesses at this time. Facilities Management was notified to assess the damage. … What damage?


  1. N/a

    Although these are funny from an objective point of view, I think a bit more care could be taken in making fun of them. For example the rollerblading incident may be really funny, but I imagine for the person involved pretty upsetting and even more upsetting to have your school’s blog make fun of it like it’s nothing

  2. Melanie Johnson (Author)

    Fair. I hope it’s understood that I do feel bad for victims of senseless (albeit lulzy) crime.

  3. s@b

    This post is not funny. My sister was once assaulted while rollerblading and now has to wear a back brace for the rest of her life.

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