Sexction: Sex, Power, goddammit
SexPowerGod. The apex of sexual expression and unleashed sin. An event cherished by Brunonians. I asked seniors to reflect on that cold November night of yesteryear. Based on an unscientific sample of mostly my friends, not a single senior reported what I thought they would say of SPG like “It was awesome!” or “Best night of my four years at Brown.” Instead, this is what I heard:
“I thought it was going to be a crazy time. I wore a cape and underwear. I danced with some people but I think [I] mostly felt awkward and didn’t make out with anyone and walked around a lot.”
“It was kind of a hot mess and the debauchery was something everyone was expecting but also unexpectedly made everyone feel gross about it afterwards.”
“I was excited as I got dressed for it. But all I remember of the event was thinking, ‘Why are there so many boners in my butt?’”
One message unites all of these stories: the discrepancy between expectations and reality. Everyone has huge expectations for SexPowerGod and for good reason – for Power’s sake, you have to camp out for it! It’s the closest thing Brown will get to Fox news fame (if you don’t count Bobby Jindal). But all this hype leaves much to be desired.
My own story of SexPowerGod highlights the dangers of high expectations. At the beginning of freshman year, I was introduced to Gavin. He and I laughed a lot. We texted for a few weeks, there was giggling in the V-dub. Then came the night of SexPowerGod. I spent a long time getting ready. Gavin texted me right before.
TXT: See you there? I’m wearing briefs tonight.
It was a clear message, if I had ever seen one. I pictured myself on the dance floor, Gavin rushing over to me, kissing me passionately, surrounded by sex, muscular bodies, and exotic animals.
Here’s what actually happened to me at SPG – I wandered around with my best friend, pretending to have a good time, but in reality, searching desperately for Gavin. I finally found him, well past midnight. What was Gavin doing, you ask? He was standing against the wall, eyes closed, mouth in a tight O form, getting a blow job from a very naked girl whom I did not recognize. Needless to say, I did not go home a very happy camper that night.
Now, do I blame SexPowerGod for ruining my relationship with a guy I had chemistry with? Of course not! I blame myself. My expectations ruined my night–and unfortunately, have helped ruin a number of relationships outside of my own.
SexPowerGod makes me think about an equation I stumbled upon on the Internet the other day:
Happiness = Reality/Expectations
As the Rolling Stones wisely put it, you can’t always get what you want. Harboring high expectations is a good plan for disappointment. Studies have found the Danes to be the happiest people on the planet. Why? According to one expert: “year after year [the Danes] are pleasantly surprised to find out that not everything is rotten in the state of Denmark.” So there you have it. If you don’t want to be disappointed, do as the Danes do: expect the worst.
Now I wouldn’t want you, optimistic Brunonian, to lose your faith and turn into a bitter cat lady. No no no! What I want you, instead, is to know this:
You’re young. You’re hot. As Weezy can tell you, you will get that pussy. Lil Wayne never questions himself. That’s why women think he is so sexy though objectively, he is quite unattractive. It’s like a perverted version of The Secret. So, if you want to find great sex, you’ve gotta know how great you are and know you will get what you want soon enough. But in the meantime, try not to plan anything out in your head. The problem begins when we envision specific scenarios. When we do that, ugly stuff happens. Take my case, for example. I pictured myself being whisked off by Prince Charming. And instead I watched in horror as my crush got a blowjob on the dance floor. Shit happens. But if you stay confident and learn to roll with the punches, you’ll be pleasantly surprised by all that comes your way.
Questions? Email Heather at Heatherhotpants@gmail.com