Ted Turner ’60 — just look at that ‘stache.
The search for Brown University’s next president is bound to be an arduous, painful process, as the committee figures out which candidate will be able to make the University the most money while simultaneously carpet-bombing the collective soul of all humanities concentrators. But why must they choose from people with experience in managing institutions of higher ed? After all, that hasn’t really proved to be an ironclad route to success. Here are five candidates who undoubtedly know nothing about running a University, but who would allow us to get more excited when we see “Letter to the Community from President ______” in our inboxes. Plus, they’re all alums. Hooray for institutional nepotism!
1. Lois Lowry ’58. Yeah yeah, she dropped out her sophomore year to get married, whatever. More important is the fact that she wrote that book we all read in fourth grade. The one with Gandalf on the cover? It won the Corndog Medal or something? Point is, if we hand Lowry the helm, perhaps we can finally get some goddamn closure regarding the ending of The Giver. I for one really want to know what happens after the protagonist and his mysterious baby friend go on that hypothermia-induced sled ride, and whether he eventually hooks up with that girl (the one who he hoped would start stripping down in an old folks’ home). So much good thesis material there.
2. Mary Chapin Carpenter ’83. I hate country music and everyone associated with it, but I will make an exception for Ms. Carpenter. Shut Up And Kiss Me is a motto that is much more reflective of Brown’s student life than In Deo Speramus.
3. Richard Simpson, a.k.a. Chubb Rock. Wikipedia fails to note when he attended Brown, but suffice it to say he’s a rapper who was pre-med and a National Merit Scholar before dropping out to pursue his flow. This is the highly descriptive picture that goes along with his entry. Really, I have no clue what this man is doing, but we need him.
4. Her Royal Highness Princess Theodora of Greece and Denmark ’06. She could be appointed right now based solely on the immense street cred of her official title, but in reality it would be more of a pity vote – Greece doesn’t have a monarchy anymore, and isn’t Denmark just a bunch of socialist pigs? What I’m saying is, she needs something to rule, and we can present her with her own bastion of insanity on a hill.
5. Ted Turner ’60. Mustachioed billionaire who was kicked out of Brown for sexual deviance (i.e., living with his girlfriend). If that doesn’t sound like the type of person who can identify with our student body, then we are a seriously misguided school.