Sexction: Tips for Getting Busy @ Brown Without Getting Caught
1. SciLi – For fans of both physical sciences and fornication, no location matches the classic, oh-so-phallic Sciences Library. The best part about this place is that it’s easily accessible. Just swipe right in and ride the elevator until you find an abandoned floor. Finding a deserted stack is the biggest challenge – who knew people still read books? After that, you’ll be riding your partner in no time! Avoid it during midterms and finals.
- Biggest issue with the SciLi: The guards! According to one guard, they are instructed to roam the floors occasionally to check for couples doing the dirty.
- Tips to avoid it? Stay below the 7th floor if you can. And even if you do get caught, not a huge deal. According to the guard, he will “just awkwardly stare.” If that doesn’t work, he will ask you to come downstairs and ask you to leave. They are told to report it to DPS but “DPS never does anything about it.”
2. Glass Room of Faunce – what better way to leave your mark on Brown than choosing its beautiful center of campus for your love-making? Harder to access than the SciLi, but it’s still not impossible. Both the LGBTQ center and the Radio Station offer access to this place. Go through the Emergency Exit door – don’t worry, the alarm won’t go off. Fellow Brunonians innocently taking notes across the street at JWW can see you, so you’ll want to get this done as quickly as possible.
- A tip for wetting the tip: Bring lube. As one Faunce sex veteran told me: “it’s really hard get that turned on in like the five seconds of kissing before you guys try to have sex.” You might want to make a pit stop in the JWW bathroom before your four-legged frolic.
3. Bathroom in the JWW mailroom: For those seeking privacy and cleanliness, this gender-neutral, disability-friendly bathroom is equipped with everything! You’ve got plenty of room to move and try new positions. A condom, dental dam, and lube dispenser are available if you want to go for round two. There’s even a shower to help get cleaned up afterwards! It’s got a lock, so no worries about being bothered. If someone knocks, just vaguely say something about “Indian food” and “being a while.” They won’t stick around for long.
- Errands have never had such an errant air: This spot gives new meaning to checking your (fe)male/mail.
4. Dorm lounge – Every dorm is configured differently, but you can make this thing work no matter where you are located. My favorite on-campus sex haven is Sears House. Best bet is to use the couches and stay fully clothed, but just move your undergarments to the side. If anyone walks in, it’ll look like you’re just having an intense make-out session. Hopefully the person will get the hint and take his/her studying elsewhere.
- Hedge your bet: To play it even safer, try to stay as close to the wall near the door to avoid detection.
5. Lincoln Field – Probably the riskiest place for risky business, you can nonetheless pull it off with some careful listening and focus. The best time for this spot is very late at night, preferably during the week. This dimly lit site is ideal because it is covered in hills and holes. Your bodies will look like part of the grass…or like one of the five homeless people on Thayer taking a nap. I would suggest limiting sex to action with your hands or mouth. Anything involving full-on humping may attract a little too much attention.
- Romance (College Edition): Lincoln Field, unlike its sister fields over on the Main and Quiet Greens, offers a clear view of the stars. One person called it “the most romantic spot to have outdoor sex at Brown” – if that means anything to you.
Until next time,
Questions for Heather? Email her at email@example.com