Whether you hate sports of all sorts or are simply one of those pretentious wastes of human life who insists on calling football American football (you know who you are, and you should not be allowed to breed), the Thanksgiving Day football game is the key to enjoying your meal to the fullest extent. When you collapse on the sofa like a giant squid, spent from your battle with the whales of relatives and liters of gravy, nothing helps the gluttony sink in better than the swish of shiny tights and the crunch of sternums being destroyed by 300-lb man-children. Football is soothing and familiar. Even your grandmother believes this. Ask her. Old people enjoy dropping truth bombs.
For those of you who like to get a little more into the action and actually pick a team to root for while all that stuffing allows the price of Plavix stock to rise, I am here to serve you. Today’s game pits the ugly, sickly Detroit Lions against the brave, caring, this-is-a-team-I’d-play-laser-tag-with Green Bay Packers. Obviously I care very little about this game, and I will now break down, very logically, the matchup, so that you may make an educated decision about whom to root for.
Lions: Matthew Stafford, while in college, once reigned as MVP of the Chick-fil-A Bowl. That happened, and he let it happen.
Packers: Aaron Rodgers is fresh off a Super Bowl win in which he starred as MVP.
Lions: In 2008, Calvin Johnson valiantly helped the Lions win no games at all, allowing him to successfully collect a nearly $6 million paycheck with a clean conscience.
Packers: Greg Jennings is a meme. Which means he is, for all intents and purposes, immortal.
Lions: People in Detroit must suffer the shame of wearing sparkly silver and baby blue outfits. American Apparel refuses to open a store in Detroit for this reason; they know the populace can’t be helped.
Packers: Green Bay fans wear edible hats. Smart.
Lions: Founded on some ridiculous belief that because the lion is the monarch of the jungle, so would the Lions become the monarchs of the NFL. Joke’s on you, Detroit. Animals can’t legally become political leaders. You’ve been HAD.
Packers: Won many championships while being coached by a man in a fedora with a superhero name. Also, they are so ridiculously loved by their fans that if you signed up to get season tickets now, you would be waiting for 955 goddamned years.
If you have any soul, you’ll root for the Packers and be proud of it. Otherwise, the terrorists win. And we can’t have that, can we?