Imagining Brown (Young) University: If Brown Were Mormon

These days, a pair of skinny jeans is one of the most basic staples in any wardrobe. They provide a foundation upon which you can experiment with your style—whether you dress them up or dress them down, you’ve got yourself a hell of an outfit. Just look around you—everyone (notably hamsters) is integrating this stylish essential into their wardrobe. Jeepers, even Mitt Romney is doing it! Put a pair of dungarees on that fella and suddenly he’s got mad swag.

Yet Romney’s Mormon bros at Brigham Young University-Idaho clearly haven’t seen how dapper he looks in a pair of skinny jeans. According to a report by independent BYU newspaper The Student Review, a girl at BYU-Idaho was turned away from the school’s testing center because her pants were too tight. Adhering to the provisions of the university’s rigid honor code, the testing center posted a flier on their door that deemed that “formfitting” skinny jeans were “not appropriate attire.”

No skinny jeans, you say? Unfathomable. We can commiserate with these students who now have to wear mom-jeans to class, but the reality is that we’ll stop caring in about ten seconds and go back to doing cartwheels in our jeggings. Sucks to be you (or shall we say, sucks to BYU?) But just for kicks and giggles, shall we imagine what Brown would be like if we had an honor code like that of BYU-Idaho? The Brown Experience as we know it would undoubtedly be entirely different—find out just how different after the jump:

Imagine Brown (Young) University, a world without:

1) Alcohol: What could we possibly find to replace our booze-filled Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights? The answer is simple: pre-game a dessert party with an authentic Mormon dinner whilst some rockin’ Josh Groban jams play in the background. You’re sure to have a swell evening.

2) Caffeine: The barista at Starbucks with the bangs and the really obnoxious laugh would be unemployed, Tealuxe wouldn’t exist (sad face), and without Blue State, hamsters wouldn’t have a home. At least we’d all finally get some sleep around here.

3) Drugs: What else would the Keeney hallways possibly smell like? 4-20 would be nothing more than a day on the calendar (shout-out to the BroPo for safeguarding the fun on this day in the past). Domino’s would go out of business and the appeal for spicy-withs would decrease tremendously— we all know that food of this greasy nature is best consumed while high in a specific state of mind, one that is not sobriety.

4) Profanity: Say goodbye to those words you drop ever so casually in conversation. Switch them out for “tiddlywinks” or “jeepers” and you’re good to go.

5) Dancing (as we know it):  Yeeeeeeeah, you do that Cotton-Eyed Joe! Get some…water.

6)  Premarital sex: Those hopes that the DFMO will turn into something more? Gone. Those “little gifts” on your RC’s door? Forget about it. The community would mourn the loss of our very own Heather Hotpants. And SPG? Let’s just say Bill O’Reilly would be more than thrilled that it’s out of the picture. Loophole: you can always solve the problem by tying the knot (reminder: #beatteenagepregnancy)

7) Cigarettes: What else could we possible accessorize with our skinny jeans?! Oh wait…

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