As certain people have so politely put it, true red-blooded Americans are under attack, with thousands of us dying every day. Of course, by “us” I mean “our delicate Christmas spirits.” Yes, I’m talking about the recent smear campaign, launched by Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee ’75 P’14, against the glowing spruce spreading its rearview-mirror-air-freshener scent all around our local State House rotunda. As reported by every news outlet west of the Holy Land, Gov. Chafee recently had the satanic audacity to call our Jesus Juniper a “Holiday Tree.” Really, Chafee? You thought your crucifix-rubbing constituents wouldn’t notice?
Well…okay, I didn’t notice. But guess who did? Jon Stewart. The Pundit Prince himself took to the airwaves and gave all the crusading berserkers at Faux News a piece of his mind. I won’t spoil the historical revelations for you, but let’s just say that the Pilgrims and the Founding Fuckin’ Fathers themselves all showed up to support Chafee.
So I guess the godforsaken gubernatorials got the upper hand this time. And that scares me. What’s next? Islamic icicles? Wiccan wreaths? On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen! On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and…BUDDHIST? How am I supposed to explain that to my five-year-old son? Chafee, you’re what Alfred was talking about. You just want to watch Christmas burn.
It all evens out in the end, though, because despite Chafee pushing the Arboreal Antichrist on us, Sean Hannity still looks like the cigar-smoking bastard child of Newt Gingrich, Jay Leno, and a teddy bear. (And on that note, I summon Rule 34. You’re welcome.)