Sextion: Heather’s 8 Spring Sex-olutions

Sexction, a column titled with a gratuitous “C” debuts this semester with a shorter, leaner name: Sextion. You’re welcome.

These eight resolutions will help balance your love life and improve your skills in the bedroom. A must for the cold season that awaits!

1. Work out – probably on your list of resolutions already, exercise is great for both you and your partner. Psychologically, it will boost your self-esteem and help you feel better naked. Physically, it will help you get strong and limber to try new positions and gain stamina to last longer. The hormones don’t hurt either. Working out helps release important hormones like testosterone, which gives you the urge to get feisty pronto. As one of my friends says, “Every time I work out, I just want to go back to my dorm and have sex with my boyfriend!”

2. Journal – When you find yourself freaking out about a partner, you can write about it instead of embarrassing yourself and texting him/her (come on, you know you shouldn’t!). Plus, journaling helps you look back and recall how you dealt with a relationship and how you can improve your present situation. Sometimes I find that revisionist history pervades the way I remember the past. When I look back to read what I went through, I find a more accurate rendering.

3. Drink less – Hey! Alcohol is fun and hauntingly delicious, but it also might get in the way of establishing real connections. If you’re drinking every weekend in hopes of meeting someone, try to change it up. Being sober at a party is good practice to learn how to be comfortable with yourself and interact with others. Plus, drinking messes with all kinds of important sexual functions like staying lubricated or keeping an erection. As they say, it boosts the urge but hurts performance.

4. Masturbate – For most of you, this was your New Year’s Resolution circa 1998. (only to reappear in 2004, when you made it your resolution to reduce the time you spent in the bathroom at school…) But for a number of you on campus, you have yet to get into self-play. I, for one, didn’t start exploring until I was a sophomore. Exploring my own body, surfing the Internet for porn to see what turned me on, and experimenting with new toys, all helped me become a better lover.

5. Ask someone out – So many students at Brown wish there was more dating on campus. Going out to dinner with a crush has become like a rare spotting of an ocelot.  Instead, we’re relying on “meeting up later” or chatting on facebook. Put the computer down. Stop drooling all over AEPi’s dance floor, and get the courage to ask that special person out, even somewhere casual.

6. Be grateful for your friends – They’ve listened to your drama. They’ve peeled you off someone’s face as you were making a bad decision. They may have been sexiled a handful of times for your benefit. So do the right thing: tell them “thank you.”

7. Get over your psychological BS – Some of you were raised in the most sexually open households, while others were raised in a place where sex was taboo. No matter, you have certain associations with sex. Hold on to the ones you like but get rid of most of them. That might mean calling your mother and asking her what she really meant that one time that she said that one thing. It might mean talking to your friends or therapist. The best way to get rid of those ghosts is to go out and experience for yourself. The more sexual encounters you have, the more people you meet, the more you’ll learn that the world of love and sex isn’t one defined by hard and fast rules.

8. Practice the art of foreplay – Intercourse is fabulous but don’t forget the other stuff, too. Especially if you are having sex with a female, please engage in some lengthy (hint: longer than five minutes) play before. Females are not ready to have intercourse right away. The cervix needs to open up first. Even if you put on lube, a girl needs to be excited for it to feel good. Girls and guys alike, a little foreplay never hurt nobody.

Until next time,


1 Comment

  1. Talia Kagan

    re#4: Freshmen were, like, four in 1998…

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