BlogDH’s Best/Worst Lovemaking (Song) List

What did musically-inclined love makers do before iTunes? Many crafted mixtapes ‘by hand’ with an actual tape recorder. The wealthier ones used remote-controlled CD changers. And surely some simply synced their lovemaking to Side A of Barry White Sings for Someone You Love. Nowadays anyone possesses the technology to craft intricate playlists of bedroom jams on iTunes, but we all know how a poorly placed song can make every lovemaker’s sweet dream a not-so-beautiful nightmare. Fortunately, BlogDailyHerald has a discerning palette for the music that moves Brunonia’s most erotic passions… and the tunes that kill wood faster than Daggett and Norbert. Find our picks for the Best and Worst songs to complement your whoopee-making after the jump.

The Best

The Weeknd — “High for This” Remember that scene in Annie Hall when Alvy finally realizes that Annie needs to be high on marijuana just to have sex with him? This song is nothing like that. In fact, if Diane Keaton had been sleeping with some guy who sang like The Weeknd, she would probably just skip the marijuana and go straight to sedatives because each and every tone of his perfectly sexy voice would cause an overwhelming sensation just south of the navel. A pulsing beat, requisite references to pop music’s omnipresent ‘girl’ and Pitchfork accolades make this song the perfect tune for copulating in the 2010s.

Marvin Gaye — “Let’s Get It On” One might think that excessive use in movies, television and countless TV commercials has rendered this classic clothes-stripper somewhat sterile. This, however, is not the case — Mowtown’s seventies soul classic is still potent as ever. Before KY Intense, before FemSex, there was only Marvin. If you don’t believe, me ask your parents… or actually, please don’t.

Exile — “I Wanna Kiss You All Over” Exile, like all good rock groups, skipped the double entendres and euphemisms and named their greatest love song after exactly what they planned on doing in the bedroom: all-over kissing. The 4/4 time signature is perfect for a well-paced bedroom experience and it’s good to have a chorus of rockstars assuring your partner that you’re going to kiss him/her till the night closes in. If you’re in need of further convincing, Happy Gilmore even implemented this ode to comprehensive lip-planting as his last attempt at winning back his ex-girlfriend… little did she know, he kicked ass at golf.

Faith Hill — “Breathe” Ever wonder what it was like to have sex in the year 2000? It sounded something like stereotypical country-rock guitars and Faith Hill’s almost perfect (but still somewhat scratchy enough to sound believable) voice. Sometimes we forget that funny sex is a good thing, and any sex being had during your fourth grade teacher’s favorite song of all time (yes, seriously) will surely be punctuated with cute, self-aware giggles.

The Isley Brothers ft. R. Kelly — “Contagious” The Isley Brothers have been making music since the fifties, but they made their way into the bedroom in 2001 with this R. Kelly collaboration. “Contagious,” which is actually a complex narrative song about a man confronting his girlfriend’s infection of a lover (or infection from a lover?), moves just smooth enough to facilitate the four foot movement from the dorm room couch to the twin extra-long. Furthermore, this video reminds us of pre-urination/pedophilia times when overweight R&B musicians sought out R. Kelly to sex up their singles.

THE WORST

Ying Yang Twins — “Wait (The Whisper Song)”  Made famous by them, and then made more famous by the Lonely Island, the crunkadelic masters of weird would seem to be actively encouraging amorous adventures. But consider this — the time is right, the aphrodisiac potpourri has been spread thick over every surface in your Keeney double, the Bordeaux has ceased its heady flow (2008 vintage ROCKED, btw), and now the music comes on, low and easy. Everything is perfect, but the whispers… oh, the whispers… Yinging and Yanging is all well and good, but no one wants to feel like there’s an extra body in the room, muttering strange things, possibly ready to burst out in a moment of unexpected rage like a (more) buzzkilling Dane Cook.

http://youtu.be/nYYjZeErFks

T-Pain — “Buy U a Drank”  Like the golden sands of Arabia or the frosty fields of ANWR, roughly 60% of the world’s naturally-occuring swag is concentrated in one T-Pain, and boy does he know it. One of his finer hits, “Buy U a Drank” tells the story of a fresh young mofo sidling into a bar, dressed to the nines, all the while encouraging a lady to come closer so he can purchase her a fine local microbrew, maybe make smalltalk about the credit crisis — you know, flirting stuff. Still, it’s incredibly hard, even in the face of Mr. Pain’s crinkly-smooth autotuned crooning, to imagine V-Day magic happening when more than a few times T-Pain forcefully shouts, “AAAAAAAWWWWW SNAP,” aggressively ordering a halt to all festivities. Like an Oakley-clad Simon Says conductor, he lets things resume after a suitable pause, but verily, the moment is ruined.

The Scorpions — “Rock You Like a Hurricane”  If you’re feeling a bit more wild on this special day, nothing can beat the contact-high, bleary-eyed excess of ’80s rock. If you’re set on it, make sure you head for something (relatively) sane like AC/DC, because setting the needle down on anything touched by the Scorpions is a recipe for disaster. We don’t mean quality-wise, because the Scorps are hilarious, hard-rockin’ gurus, but their only tenuous grasp on the English language might, at the wrong moment, give you and your partner the unsettling sensation of being in a cheap Stuttgart brothel, covered in umlauts and God knows what else.

The Shins — “New Slang”  The Shins are simply the best, no bones about it. Nobody can prance along the soulful, almost-but-not-quite-emo, high-school memory tightrope quite like James Mercer, and his voice is so conducive to lovin’ that he’s actually been protested by the Catholic Church. But turn on “New Slang” when the juices get flowing and, inexplicably, the plot of Garden State begins to play out in your head, and I guarantee you there are no rain-soaked car graveyards within spitting distance of New Dorm. Bummer. And seriously, man, Manic Pixie Dream Girls like Natalie Portman are the worst.

Led Zeppelin — “Stairway to Heaven”  Objectively this is the greatest song ever written. But does that mean it’s the greatest song for your bungle in the jungle? This is the mistake that I hear all of my friends complain about I would imagine is the most common: We made a playlist of epic songs and it killed the mood? WTF? People, people — you can’t meddle with what humanity can’t fathom. You do realize that roughly half of all the words Robert Plant ever sung were comprised of “baby”? And that he got away with it? You don’t know what they’re capable of. Zeppelin is a force for good, but their level of musical lovemaking is so advanced that you’ll look like a fool for even attempting to cash in on their sexy prowess. And don’t forget about the mudshark. Good God, don’t forget about the mudshark. We won’t even link to it. Let’s just leave it at that.

Image via.

Leave a Reply