In Teddy Speramus

Hail to the Chiefs: 6 former presidents who could have been Brunos

In Teddy Speramus

Ah, good old Presidents’ Day: the day we’ve come to associate with annoying furniture promotions and car commercials that feature some funky, swanky version of “Hail to the Chief.” Oh yeah, and the long weekend — four days of no class and tons of play.

Of course, these events are all exciting, (who doesn’t love a good deal at Raymour & Flanigan?!) but we mustn’t forget the true spirit of Presidents’ Day. Now that the weekend’s over, it’s time to think of why we honored the 44 men who have led our country in grave and good times alike: in war and peace, economic booms and busts, and in domestic tranquility and tumult. Respect.

To be presidential is to be stern, stately and dignified. But baby, they weren’t born this way: a HuffPost Comedy slideshow reveals that some of our former commanders-in-chief were once rebellious, young, wild and free and did some pretty crazy things before their time in the Oval Office. In fact, we think they would have fit in pretty well at Brown. Let us tell you why that is the case:

1. Chester A. Arthur was a sharp dresser, night owl. From prepsters to hamsters, students are pretty chic up here on College Hill. Of course, we’re night owls, too…unless it’s after 2 am.

2. George W. Bush was a head cheerleader in high school. Not so heteronormative, Dubya.

3. Ulysses S. Grant got a speeding ticket…on his horse. All bets are on that he got this speeding ticket either at the intersection of Brown and George or at Brown and Waterman. We only hope that he was stopped by a DPS officer on a Segway. Swag on.

4. Franklin Pierce didn’t swear his oath of office. Instead of swearing on a bible at his inauguration, Pierce placed his hand on a law book. We’ve already established that Brown should have made Princeton Review’s “Least Religious Students” list — In Deo Speramus?

5.  John Quincy Adams often skinny-dipped in the Potomac River. No clothes? No problem (read: SPGNDR).

6. Millard Fillmore fought pirates. But remember, Millard: if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. ARRR!!!

Sure was a sick Presidents’ Day, y’all. Enjoy the new furniture.

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