A Gibbon named Gloria has fallen ill, reported the ProJo on its front page this morning. Gibbons, for those of you who don’t know, are an endangered monkey-like species. While Gloria seems to be suffering from a “mysterious illness,” the most common cause of death among gibbons is fucking with tigers.
Two local mob leaders have said they will soon plead guilty to charges related to racketeering. On a totally unrelated note, plans to re-open Cosa Nostra (under the name Cosa Nostra II: The Return of Jafar) will soon be inexplicably scrapped.
A RI hospital doctor was arrested for possession of cocaine while driving and charged with a DUI. This medicinal hypocrisy has forced us to reevaluate all doctoral advice. We have resolved to drink beer before liquor, wait <30 minutes to swim after eating, consume no apples a day, and use the toothpaste only 1 out of 5 dentists recommend.