Deconstructing Bruno(‘s Facebook Page)

Bears can't type and this is all one big lie! Nowadays, everybody needs a Facebook account. Your favorite pop star has one so 42,000 people can ‘like’ her picture of beef stew. Your mother has one because an hour of Book Club just isn’t enough. Even esteemed Dean of the College KBerg has gotten in on the Facebook game. And just when you thought the social network couldn’t get any more absurd, you discovered that Bruno — yes, our very own overexcited mascot — has a Facebook page. First piece of good news? He has yet to switch to Timeline. More on the public window to the man-in-the-bear-suit’s soul after the jump.

Profile Pictures: Like most public figures, Bruno takes the less-is-more approach to profile pictures. Of the three, only his current profile picture from a NCAA Tournament soccer match in the fall exposes his beautiful, toothy grin. This pic is also most exciting because it confirms that Brown does, in fact, have a soccer stadium. The second picture, on the other hand, features a sort of Titanic-over-Providence shot. Finally, the third picture features a graphic so simple you almost forgive the Scott Stapp impression.

Wall: Very limited activity, though it seems as though Bruno loves to write ‘Happy Birthday’ followed by several exclamation marks on nearly all of his friends’ walls. If having a mascot wish you ‘Happy Birthday’ has been a dream since youth, friend Bruno immediately.

Info: One can only describe Bruno’s writing style as Hemingway-esque. With direct, precise and true language such as, “I am the ultimate Brown Athletic Supporter,” he pierces to the core of our most basic human impulses. Here we could make a joke about dirty jock straps, but that would be far too easy. On a more serious note, Bruno’s info section informs us that the Wall functions as a sounding board for any questions regarding Brown athletics. Unfortunately, Bruno cannot answer the most pressing question of them all: why doesn’t the student body attend more games?

Religious Views: Brown Nation. An agnostic, huh? Obviously a Bruno.

Website: brownbears.com. We’re just now starting to get the impression that this might be some big publicity ploy by Brown Athletics…

Be sure to friend Bruno before he switches to Timeline and ruins the crisp aesthetic of his Facebook page. The time is now.

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