PSA: How to avoid hooking up with frosh

The Walk of Shame is ten times longer from Keeney…

Last Friday, I was dragged along by my friends to the soccer game. Now, I don’t pay attention to foot-games, so as I sullenly zoned out (what color uniforms do we wear again?). I couldn’t help but eavesdrop on the conversation of the sophomore girls seated behind me.

“I’m so super excited to be going out this weekend! Oh my god, I’m gonna get so wasted.”

“Yeah, I haven’t gotten laid in forever.”

“Oh my god, just be careful. You don’t want to hook up with a freshman.”

“Yeah, I don’t want to be a pedophile.


“Oh, wait, did we just score? Or was that the other team?”

I don’t normally concern myself with conversations that require that level of italics. But these sophomores had a point. The freshmen are my sister’s age, and this is the first year I’ve truly feel uncomfortable being attracted to them. In the words of a particularly callous male friend of mine: “Every year they get better and better. These freshmen are hot.” On the other hand, some of them are also under 18.

Plus, gross. I don’t want to be like, a pedophile.

But how, oh how, do we know that the hot guy we’re dancing with at Whisko is age-appropriate? Are all upperclassmen doomed to become cougars? (Or whatever the more socially acceptable male equivalent is).

I’ve devised some preventative measures:

  1. If the guy (or girl) who you’re dancing with is wearing braces, cologne, or a lanyard: Turn around and kindly inform them that you are uninterested in robbing them of their virginity. Advise them to dance with an easier, insecure freshmen specimen.
  2. If the person of interest is saying “I’m sooo drunk” when they do not, in fact, appear to be drunk: The warning signs are there. Take heed. That hottie is a freshman.
  3. If they invite you back to their room to “platonically cuddle:” Seriously, what does that even mean? Only a freshman would use a pick-up line that lame.
  4. If they hit on you but seem conflicted about their sexuality (i.e. they wear skinny jeans, enjoy chatting about Lady Gaga, and have a certain sashay to their step): Ever heard the saying “Gay until May?” There are loads of freshmen in the closet. Think you two have a lot in common? You do!  YOU BOTH LIKE DUDES.
  5.  If they’re really, really ridiculously good-looking: I have no response for this. Rules are made to be broken.

When in doubt, card them.  Make sure not to be as easily fooled by fakes as the bouncers at Whisko are.

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