To catch an impostor

It could happen here too.

So a 20-year-old was arrested for pretending to be a Columbia University student. Since Columbia needed 9 months to catch this phony undergrad, and we do go to Brown, the Blog figured we’d give the student body a handy guide to identify any would be Brunonian impostor after the jump:

My friend goes to more than one varsity sports game a week.

Dubious? A bit. Our nationally ranked soccer team’s crowds are consistently outdrawn by celebrations for Ruth Simmons, Out of Bounds shows, and organ concerts, so it’s definitely a bit weird if you’ve got a friend driven enough to attend a couple of sports games a week.

ImpostorUnlikely. On average, transfers from more sports-focused schools need two plus weeks to acclimate to the University’s selective indifference to varsity athletics. Sorry former Michigan students, Brown’s crowds most definitely are not “The Victors”, and neither I guess is your former football team.

My friend doesn’t have a preference between Antonio’s and Nice Slice.

Dubious? Possibly. You’ve been on campus for five plus weekend days, and have late night snacked at least during two of them. How could you have not made The Decision? Random fact: ResLife actually rents the Hogwarts Sorting Hat every year to help its fine freshmen make this critical choice.

Impostor? Suspicious, but still probably not. I’ll never trust you — ever, period — but there’s got to be a good number of dietary plans that forbid their practitioners from even stepping foot in a pizza joint. And, given that obscure personal dietary decisions is quintessentially Brown, your friend is anything but counterfeit.

My friend hasn’t broken an exit sign in over two weeks.

Dubious: Absolutely. There’s a reason why the new Keeney exits signs are more guarded than your average armored car. Brown students have an unnatural affinity with destroying exit signs, and if your friend lacks this inclination, something isn’t right.

Impostor? Potentially. While the Blog obviously does not condone exit sign violence, and some students have better things to do, there’s something to be said when destroying exit signs is an everyday mealtime conversation topic. I’d keep an eye on that friend of yours.

My friend actually wants to go to the fall concert.

Dubious: Certainly. 586 students voted in a poll to determine who would perform at this year’s Fall Concert. That’s less than 10 percent of the undergraduate population. Titus Andronicus, the headliner, secured 96 votes to come in a whopping 3rd place. Less than 2 percent of the campus wanted this band. Not surprisingly, enthusiasm for the concert is flat lining.

Impostor? Definitely. With all due respect to the BCA and the band, there is a reason that Titus Andronicus is one of Shakespeare’s least famous plays. I’d give the Providence Police a call, even if their famous narcotics Detective McNulty retired last year. Your friend most definitely is not a Brunonian.

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