How to lose a job (you never really had) in 10 seconds

From 12 – 4 p.m. tomorrow, CareerLab will host its annual Fall Career Fair with over 90 representatives from well-known organizations like Microsoft, Amazon, and Facebook. As you eagerly enter Sayles Hall, remember to think of the dos and don’ts of career fair etiquette.

If you’re trying to land a job interview make a bad impression, consider doing the following…

1) Give all the employers pretentious business cards with your name and concentration. Handing a future employer a business card with the impressive  obvious title “Brown student” will probably give them a good laugh.

2) Employers love enthusiasm so use this occasion to sport your “Brown State” shirt to highlight your excitement for homecoming this weekend.

3) Speaking of clothing, the fair does happen to fall on Wednesday, which means you should wear to the fair whatever you plan on wearing to Whisko later. If someone asks why you’re dressed the way you are, just explain where you’re going after to emphasize that you have “social” and “people” skills.

4) Memorize one generic speech and then give all the future employers you meet the same spiel. Put in extra effort to make it sound completely rehearsed. Don’t change what you say based on the field—for example, tell a recruiter from Teach for America that your dream is to work in a collaborative office environment because that’s exactly what you told Boston Consulting Group.

5) Use this opportunity to inquire about vacation time, sick days, Christmas bonuses, and any other perks that are uncomfortable and awkward to ask about.

6) Print copies of incriminating photos from your Facebook page and hand them to employers. Tell them you took the liberty of cutting their work in half. Now, they don’t have to spend time searching stalking your profile. It’s a win-win situation; you show initiative and they save time.

7) Say “like,” “uh,” and “um” as much as you can. If possible, try to use one of these three words between every actual word.

8) Create a seven-page resume that includes everything you’ve ever done, from those piano lessons you took when you were five to the middle school soccer award you everyone on the team won. If you know three words in an obscure language, put that down under skills. Pig Latin counts for these purposes as well.

9) Text your friends while you’re having a conversation with an employer and look as disinterested in what they’re saying as possible. Make a phone call too, just to be sure that you’ll lose the job you never had in the first place.

10) In case you did the above and still failed to blow your chances, copy this cover letter word for word to follow up with the people you meet. We hear employers look down upon plagiarism.

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