I didn’t go to the Career Fair yesterday.
I planned to. I had absolutely nothing to do between 12-4. My Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule is surprisingly open this year, and while that means a hectic Tuesday-Thursday, I enjoy the luxury of lounging around most of the day in pajamas and eating large amounts of gummy vitamins, since I have consumed all other nutrional substances in my room. (Seriously though, those gummy bears are delicious—do bad things happen if you eat ten in one day?! [Ed.- Yes.])
But I didn’t go. I refused to embrace pre-professionalism and thus probably sentenced myself to a purgatory of cubicles and mediocrity. I watched my peers don their slacks and pantsuits and march off with unbridled optimism, resumes in hand, ready to conquer Corporate America. And I attempted to rationalize my decision to ditch.
1. The Dresscode. Seriously, who do we think we’re kidding? We don’t dress like that. The employers know we don’t dress like that. Brown students, in general, have two modes of dress: Homeless People (being sweatpants, sweatshirts, and bedhead) and Chique Homeless People (harem pants, anything from Urban Outfitters, and bedhead achieved through an hour-long battle with a curling iron and hairspray).
Do we really think that wearing those awful tan trousers will change anything?
2. Resume Anxiety. I don’t have anything close to That Awesome Internship, and I’m betting a ton of Brunonians don’t either. “Research” means I watched a lot of Netflix and effed around on Wikipedia all summer. “Advanced Infant Supervisor” means babysitter. And you better believe the employers know it.
3. WTF is Consulting? My parents are both consultants and I still don’t know what this means. Give advice? Get paid a s-load of money?
Employers say they’re looking for people who “think critically” and have “strong analytical skills.”
Whatever it is, I know I’d be perfect for this “consulting” because I’m extremely judgmental towards my peers. I’ve been told I also have a tendency to overanalyze the opposite sex.
I’m probably overqualified.
4. I didn’t concentrate in CS or Engineering. Damnit, I knew I shouldn’t have followed my passions as a first-year. If only I had been an engineer! And all those programming jobs! Hey Mark Z., I don’t know how to program Facebook but I definitely use your product a lot. Maybe I could “consult” on it?
5. Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I’m an alien from the Planet Neurotica. Thinking about the future makes me break out into hives. I can’t even feed myself. How can I possibly expect to be fiscally responsible?!
No. So I’m going to do what I was taught as a good Psych concentrator and repress all these fears. Repress!
Now I’m going to go eat those ridiculously overpriced Oreos I bought at Little Jo’s.