Sextion: From the silver screen to Browntown

Let’s face it: sex in the movies very infrequently, if ever, accurately depicts what goes on in the average bedroom. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a sucker for movie sex scenes; the more sex a movie portrays, the better. But perhaps the best part about most of the sex scenes in popular movies is the fact that they are completely fantastical— they would never, or more accurately, could never, occur in real life. Robert Pattinson, for example, describes the sex scene in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn as physically impossible, and compares it to planking for an extended period of time. This is just simply not how sex is in the real world.

In the real world, sex can be awkward. Sometimes your hair gets in your (or your partner’s) face, your foot gets caught on something, you have a cramp in your side, you finish early, you sweat. But these things never seem to be addressed on the big screen. It is very hard to navigate your own body’s happenings while simultaneously trying to navigate someone else’s. Real bodies are awkward. Brad Pitt’s body is never awkward. Very infrequently do we see a movie in which a couple “takes it slow”, addresses their likes/dislikes, or even laughs in the bedroom. In real life, communication is key.

Clearly, it is impossible to have sexual experiences equivalent to those that are depicted on screen. But it certainly is fun to try. Five famous movie sex scenes and how you can attempt to accomplish them right here at Brown after the jump.

Titanic Car Scene: This is perhaps the most iconic sex scene from one of the most well-renowned love stories of all time. Come on, what could be better than getting steamy in a car on a ship with a young, angelic Leonardo DiCaprio? If you want to attempt to recreate this sultry scene, you don’t need a car or a ship or even Leo (though that would be ideal). Simply enter the Campus Center and snag that room with all the windows that overlooks Faunce Arch. Those windows should get good and steamy the longer you’re in there. Be sure either you or your partner slide your hand down the window in the throws of orgasm, and you should be good to go! And if you’re looking for more Titanic fun, try finding your way to the roof of Faunce and become king of the world. Or just walk by the wind tunnel at the SciLi.

Atonement Library Scene: This is one is pretty self explanatory. Grab your partner and head to one of the many libraries on campus, shove yourselves up against one of the many bookshelves, and hop to it! But remember, this is a sexy scene filmed in a very uptight and classy setting, so why not make it more interesting by heading to the John Hay or John Carter Brown Libraries? So what if they’re only open until 5 p.m.? You can make it work. You may get some odd looks for heading in there wearing a revealing green dress, but it’s Brown, so maybe not.

Brokeback Mountain Tent Scene: One word: BOLT. Or, if you’re not a sophomore and not looking to be a BOLT Leader, just pitch a tent on the Main Green or head on down to India Point Park for a late night, emotionally charged, freedom-from-repression rendezvous. Cowboy hats are a must.

Last Tango in Paris Butter Scene: If y’all haven’t seen this lipid-loving scene, I would definitely check it out. I Can’t Believe It’s Not talked about more. All you need to do to emulate this scene is head to the Rattygrab a couple packets of butter, lather yourselves up, and get down to business right there on those immaculately clean floors. Warning: oil-based lubricants can break down the latex in many condoms, so be aware.

The Notebook Stair Scene: What I wouldn’t give to have a wet Ryan Gosling carry me up a flight of stairs kissing me nonstop while I’m wearing PEARLS. But alas, this takes an unearthly amount of coordination that neither I, nor any of my previous partners, possess. But, if you’ve seen this scene and want to give it a shot, why not use the BEST STAIRCASE ON BROWN’S CAMPUS? You know the one I’m talking about: Grad Center’s Spiral Staircase. So next time it rains, grab your strong special someone, hop into their arms, and start the climb. If your Grad Center staircase experience is anything like mine on the average Friday or Saturday night, it’ll take you a while.

That’s all for now, my lovelies. If any of you decide to try to attempt any of these iconic love scenes, let me know of your success!

Until next time,
xoxo MonMon

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  1. Cara Newlon

    this. is. BRILLIANT.

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