DSA: Drunk Shopaholics Anonymous

To my fellow Brunonians:

Recently, I’ve come to a sobering realization. I’m writing today to confess something: I have a dark secret. It’s taken me four semesters to admit it, but I have a serious problem.

I didn’t recognize it for what it was at first. Sure, it was eating up my time, my money, but goddamnit I can stop whenever I want to!

It starts with a couple beers. A shot of tequila or vodka, maybe. Perhaps some mixed drinks. Seems pretty harmless. You’ve actually dressed up and put some makeup on. You go out. Drink some jungle juice. Now you’re bored, so you go home. Alone. Suddenly, you’re online. You can’t stop browsing. Click click click.

Before you know it, it’s 7 a.m. and the athletes are rising for practice.

No, my addiction is not porn. It’s much more sinister than your weekly boner jams. My porn is Amazon.com, eBay, Macy’s and Forever21.com. I am a Drunk Shopaholic, and PayPal is my enabler.

A couple nights at Whisko, 20 packages, and hundreds of dollars later, I finally broke down and confessed everything to some friends. Surprisingly, this is quite a common problem among college students. We need to create a Drunk Shopaholics Anonymous (DSA) where we trade horror stories over coffee and donuts while we tear up our credit cards and delete our PayPal accounts. We could point fingers and blame Amazon’s unique 1-click checkout process, but who are we kidding? We. need. help.

A testament to our shameful problem, the list below highlights some of the weirdest items we’ve ever bought while under the influence.

15 Drunk Items from Drunk Shopaholics Anonymous

1. An individual sharpie. With overnight shipping.

2. 3 lbs of pine nuts. Directly from Amazon.com!

Brannock Device: A scientific device used to measure.. feet.

3. Rubik’s Cubes. In bulk. As if we’d ever be able to solve one.

4. A Brannock Device. Know what this is?  It’s the device used to measure shoe size.

5. A massage on GroupOn. At least it’s not from Craigslist…

6. Multiple slinkies. 

7. This 55 gallon ton of lube.

8. Walkie Talkies. To talk to your roommate two doors down.

9. Customized birthday underwear for your best friend. Make sure to put a picture of your face right on the crotch!

10. Arcade Games. Specifically this Golden Tee Ford video game.

11. Winter Clothes. Sure, it is getting cold. I do need a few new sweaters. How about thermal underwear? Or a balaclava? Or a neck gaiter? Hell, I’ll go the whole nine yards and buy a polar parka.

12. Doves (The Complete Owner’s Manual). Did we ever say we wanted a pet dove?!

13. Bring it On: The Cheerbook Collection. This not only includes the first middle school sleepover classic Bring it On, but also the crappy one with Hayden Panettiere.

14. Microbe Plushies from ThinkGeek.com. They are shaped like actual viruses. For your girlfriend’s birthday, you can actually “give” her Herpes!

It may appear cute and cuddly… but it’s Herpes.

15. Balls. Like for a ballpit! It’s expensive, but think about how much more fun your house parties would be if you had a McDonald’s-esque playpen in your living room. Be forewarned, it’s expensive: you can attempt to ship them from China in bulk.

We hope these confessions spread awareness about this pervasive problem among members of the Brown community. If you think you might suffer from a Drunk Shopping Addiction, GET HELP! (Also, feel free to leave a comment and feel free to let us know if your alcohol-fueled online purchases beat ours.)

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