Sixth Man: Women’s Soccer

“On three everyone yell, ‘At least we don’t run in circles like the track guys!'”

You may not know this, but here at Brown we actually have some varsity sports teams. A whole bunch of them, as it happens. And, as an innocent, misguided freshman, I will attempt to attend one game played by each of these 37 varsity teams. There will be drama, there will be action, there will be crushing boredom excitement. Welcome to Sixth Man.

Have you ever wondered what death feels like? For me, I’m pretty sure it’s something similar to watching the women’s soccer team lose a non-league game to Dartmouth in crippling cold roughly 12 hours before a paper I haven’t written is due. Fine, at least it wasn’t that cold — the doctors say that thanks to the wonders of modern science, they’ll probably be able to salvage one or two of my fingers from the frostbite. I guess we’ll see once the bandages come off.

In any case, we’re here to talk about the soccer game, because all you Lady Bears hooligans out there can’t wait any longer. It was an exciting night on the pitch (pretentious soccer slang for “field”), as both teams fought hard on their way to a 0-0 halftime tie. This marks the second time in two weeks that Sixth Man has had the pleasure of watching a 0-0 first half. Here are some things I find more entertaining than scoreless halves of any sport: standing in line on Chicken Finger Friday; writing my English paper at 2 am. last night; Chinese water torture. SCORE SOME DAMN GOALS, PEOPLE.

Happily, one of the teams obliged quickly in the second half. Unhappily, that team was Dartmouth. That goal would turn out to be the only score of the game (two goals in one match being way too much to ask of soccer), as Dartmouth beat Brown for the second time this year. I can’t really make a case that we deserved to win after examining the box score and seeing that Dartmouth took 21 shots and we took 4. But maybe we just play a defensive style or something, right? Maybe?

It’s cool, though, because all jokes aside, women’s soccer is not a bad spectator sport. There are a lot of feisty tackles/people falling down because of feisty tackles/people complaining to the ref that he didn’t do anything after they fell down because of a feisty tackle. That alone makes it worth watching. So does the high concentration of cute girls with the hairband-and-ponytail look, which totally works for me. But, uh, mostly the other thing.

Also, a helpful tip for future Brown soccer fans (hopefully all of you): the little box in the front of the bleachers that they keep the game programs in opens from the top. Imagine my embarrassment when the seven year old girl sitting behind me figured out how this worked before I did. (Why would there be a hole in the front of the box if you’re not supposed to squeeze the programs through the front of the box??? Stupid.) The cute girl other bored BlogDH writer who went with me found this hilarious. But he was also high, so maybe he was laughing at something else.

Anyway, check out our women’s soccer team — they next play Saturday at home against Harvard at 4 p.m. (right before the men’s game at 7) and then again a week from Sunday at 3 p.m. against Cornell. Next week’s Sixth Man sport of the week is swimming–join me at the Providence College meet Saturday at 11 a.m.! Who isn’t waking up for that?! Oh well…Until next time, go Bears and shit.

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