Ha! I always knew we were the best in the Ivy League at something besides
academics and social life “botany”! This past Saturday, in what Sixth Man previously anointed the SPORTING EVENT OF THE YEAR, Brown’s men’s soccer team took on Cornell in a de facto battle for the Ivy League title. The winner would be on the fast track to becoming Ivy Champion and a possible top-10 national ranking; clearly, it was a high-stakes battle between the annoyingly red Big Red and the gloriously brown Bears.
Now, though Cornell was undefeated, let’s be honest here: it’s Cornell and the event was not hotel management-related, so how good could they be? “Not that good,” Brown forward Ben Maurey ’15 quickly answered, scoring a goal four minutes into the match. Much of the impressively large parents’ weekend crowd hadn’t even walked in the stadium yet and Cornell was already getting the business. Still, those who missed the opening goal were nonetheless treated to a fun-filled first half of Cornell blunders and failed scoring attempts, as the Fighting Ithacanians were stymied by the shutdown play of goalie Sam Kernan-Schloss ’13 and co-captain defenders Ryan McDuff ’13 and Eric Robertson ’13.
The second half was even more heated, and included the distribution of several yellow cards to whiny Cornell players (and one given, unfairly of course, to Brown star Tom McNamara ’13). The two giant Cornell tools who decided to sit in the Brown student section became increasingly annoying in the second half, making several soccer-related jokes because that is the only thing they are ostensibly better at than we are (besides being partly a public school and having perpetually awful weather). Unfortunately for them, Cornell’s soccer inferiority was proven definitively minutes later when a Brown cross deflected off a Cornell defender, past Cornell’s ginger goalie, and into the net.
The last 15 minutes were as depressing as living in Ithaca, as the final result had already been decided and no one really seemed to care anymore. There was a lot of aimless kicking of the ball and a lot of people wearing red filing out of the stadium. Once the last second had finally ticked off the clock, Brown had scored a huge victory that put them a few ties and a win away from being crowned Ivy champs, and moved them up the NCAA rankings from #18 to #11.
Now, I know sports aren’t really our thing, but in my humble opinion, everyone should be super pumped about men’s soccer. They are 1) actually extremely good and 2) relatively fun to watch (everything is relative in the world of college sports). Also, I met a few of them at the soccer house after their game, and they were all quite nice. I am completely, 100% all-in on Brown soccer. It’s already our marquee sport, if we have such a thing, but how cool would it be if we could win the NCAA tournament?[Crickets.]
Well, I think it would be very cool. The next home game is November 3 at 7 p.m. vs. Yale, and I will be doing my SexPowerGod preparation by attending. If you’ve made it this far on a Brown sports-related column, you should definitely be there too. See you there. Go Bears! (Sarcasm actually not intended this time.)