Psych, Jokes, & Rock ‘n’ Roll: Booty calls vs. butt dials

Have you ever noticed that a booty call and a butt dial actually mean the same thing? If I just blew your mind, then good. It’s about time we started a dialogue concerning the reason that two totally different things have the same goddamn description.

Our perpetual state of being

I’ve recently been in discussions with Oxford Institute lexicologists who, unfortunately, have repeatedly refused to acknowledge my complaint. Surely the higher ups realize that because the booty giveth and the butt taketh away, an immediate change of cellphone lingo is imperative. Since these older men refuse to answer my calls (neither booty nor butt), for the time being these terms remain unchanged.

At any rate, I think we all know the difference between a booty call and a butt dial. The booty call is a classic mating ritual, an interaction consisting of one person calling or texting another person wanting to # the other person’s * (symbols negotiable). The butt dial is when an unaware person accidentally calls another person, and differs from the booty call in a few key ways. The butt dial is always a call (unless you have magical texting butt), and in certain dialects butt dials are known as ghost dials. Blaming the dial on a ghost? Please butt, you’re full of shit. I do wish booty call had it’s own synonym, like tushy text or ass phone. I would love to hear a student lounging on the steps of Faunce, loudly proclaiming, “She has not stopped ass phoning me all week!”

I’m flirting with the idea of reversing the definitions of butt dial and booty call. Butt dials might be equipped for fooling around. After all, dial is laid spelled backwards (yeah, pick up the pieces of your mind now). Then again, “booty” seems more fun and entertaining. It sounds like a video game: Call of Booty — where tonight there will be no first-person shooting. Plus, a butt dial sounds a little stern and businesslike. For example, there’s no difference between a telemarketer and a butt dial, they’re both asses who constantly call me. The butt dial also has an organized agenda for the day, mainly to surprise your ex, give hope to your grandparents, and fuck with people whose names start with A. I can’t stress the last part enough; Butt dials make me regret being named after the first man ever to be laid. I represent all the Aarons, Adams, and Aesops out there by shouting my hatred at being among the most common victim of an overzealous butt-phone liason.

I will say that if you get drunk, there is a benefit to being a frequent butt dialer. Your butt’s affinity for the letter A will come in handy. That’s why Alcoholics Anonymous is AA, so that the big guns will know you’ve been cheating. God forbid, the same person gets in a car accident; his drunken derrière would subsequently responsible for calling AAA. Only if you get into a really bad drunk driving accident would it then become a ghost dial…

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