Curious about the photo?
Though we’ve taken a break since our last “informational” report on the crime scene at Brown, crime has kept on coming in vast waves… kind of like
hurricane Superstorm Sandy (Cohen). Time to catch up, Brunonians!
12 December ’11, 8:09 a.m.: This Shit is Bananas… literally
This is a personal favorite of ours—the assistant director of the Creative Arts Center said that persons unknown entered the building and a stole a banana-shaped pillow that was part of Brown student’s art project. She sent out an e-mail to the building staff asking if anyone had seen said pillow, but no one was able to provide any information. We have concluded that this must be a crime of vengeance from the Fruit of the Loom gang. If not, we simply don’t understand the rationale behind this.
24 October ’10, 2:24 p.m.: The Case of the Missing Balls
We wish this were as dirty as it sounds. A BroPo officer responded to the call of a student cashier at the Campus Market, who reported that the pool balls were not located in nor around the pool tables in the basement of Faunce. The manager of the Campus Market said he saw a student and parent playing pool at the east table between 12 and 12:30 p.m. This is an interesting twist on Thelma & Louise—parent and student steal in a team effort. The real question is not where the balls are, but rather what the parent-student duo is going to do with not one, but TWO sets of pool game balls.
20 April ’11, 12:01 p.m.: Art theft in the Ratty
Oh no! Those damn thieves have stolen the original Mona Lisa from Brown! Oh wait, they actually just stole a framed photo from the wall of the main dining room in the Sharpe Refectory between 6:30 a.m. and 12 p.m. on April 15th. They couldn’t just wait for the regular poster sale? The football players weren’t even that buff back then! To the thief: if that’s the kind of wall art you want to decorate your dorm room with, you must have some intense Brown spirit. Perhaps next time you should stick to stealing some spare fruit at the end of your meal.
24 April ’12, 11:04 a.m.: In the name of all things zen
An employee from Facilities reported that in the span of two days, person(s) unknown cut down and took around 30 bamboo tree stalks. There were no suspects at the time. All we can say about this one is: The Dalai Lama would NOT approve!
18 January ’12, 12:33 p.m.: WHoover done it now?
Between 1 p.m. on Friday January 13 and 12 p.m. on Tuesday January 17th, someone stole a vacuum from Facilities. Neat freaks, get your own!
28 September ’11, 10:15 a.m.: God Damn British Petroleum
An oil spill control shed in the Central Heat Plant was broken into and a pressure washer (valued at $1500) was taken. According to the DPS report, “the case is still under investigation.” Save the whales!
27 September ’12, 10:33 a.m.: Black market soon to accept flex points
a) One of the food trucks is finally getting that leg up by accepting meal credits.
b) A very ambitious pot dealer is about to start running his business with flex points.
c) Jose stole the scanner to practice his skills.
(Just kidding, we love Jose. He didn’t steal anything and he doesn’t even have to practice his ID flipping skills—he’s that good.)
1 August ’11, 2:26 p.m.: Chef theft
The Executive Chef of the Faculty Club reported that a whole beef tenderloin valued at $100 and a box of shrimp valued at $50 were stolen from the basement freezer. This chef theft is a classic case of the munchies gone wrong. Keep it together people.
And finally, this doesn’t count as larceny, but we couldn’t resist:
28 November ’11, 12:17 p.m.: Classic
A Brown student reported that as she walked by a stairwell in the Watson Institute she saw a guy masturbating. We won’t get into the arbitrary details of how this male was described to DPS, but he was never located. The student was offered support services, but she declined. What a brave soul. R.I.P. John St. Masturbator, he serves as an inspiration to us all.