No, we’re not kidding. The Providence Journal reported that around 1 a.m. on November 9, an allegedly inebriated 22-year-old URI student got stuck in the 8- to 9-inch
crack gap between City Sports and FedEx Kinko’s on Thayer Street.
… WTF? Well, just you wait. It gets weirder. She was found trapped horizontally approximately two feet above the ground. That’s some Houdini shit, except for the fact that she couldn’t escape. Acting Battalion Fire Chief Jeffrey Varone reported that she attempted to use the gap as a shortcut when she got caught and started crying for help. A passerby heard her yells and called the police.
So far in my Brown education, there has been a lot of emphasis on analyzing current situations while simultaneously figuring out the circumstances that led to said situations. So the real question is where was she trying to go and why? I speculate her thought process went like this:
Ugh, I’m so drunk. Wait, I’m so hungry. Where can I get some food? OH MY GOD! Thaayurr! If only there were a shortcut between here and … (spots 8- to 9-inch gap) Aha! (Walks to gap while humming in her head. Begins her long journey to Thayer.) I … just … have … to … squeeze … through. Shit. I’m stuck. Ah, now I can’t get a Baja burrito! Shit … (Stomach growls.) Help!
Once she was found, the police encountered problems with a wooden fence that was blocking them from rescuing the victim. Naturally, they called the fire department for a little elbow grease. After all, isn’t that what they’re for? Rescuing cats from trees and saving (allegedly) drunk college students from being trapped? The firemen removed the fence, but for some reason still couldn’t shove her out of the gap. Hmmm.
Next they dropped a rope from the roof to keep her from getting further trapped. The rope surely worked wonders. In the meantime, a group of firemen went inside of Kinko’s and started smashing through a concrete wall in an attempt to pull her through to safety. While all of this was going on, fireman Bert Ledoux discovered a
hidden passageway door that led to the alley from Shark. All it took after that was a bit of squirming and the victim was set free. Brilliant.
Amazingly, she had no visible injuries, but she was still taken to the hospital to be checked out. The woman could not recall how she got stuck. Fire Chief Varone commented on the scenario, saying, “It’s amazing she got herself in there, actually.” Well Mr. Varone, if anything, this story shows that drunk people have superhuman abilities. Fellow college students, with great power comes great responsibility.