7 ways to break the Internet: Brown edition

I began this post as a warning of sorts. Men and women of Brown who care about your fantasy football teams (I realize this may be a very small demographic), SET YOUR LINEUPS EARLY THIS WEEK. Why? Last Sunday, millions of fantasy football slackers were shocked to find that Yahoo! Sports was down in the precious hours before kickoff at 1 p.m. Because of Yahoo!’s technical difficulties, lineups were left unchanged, players with bye weeks were in starting positions, and approximately 1.2 million pounds of hair was torn out nationwide. As often occurs these days, there was a decent-sized Internet riot in response (thank you Twitter). Last week’s debacle got me thinking, what Internet disasters would garner similar rage—most likely as measured by prevalence of clever hashtags—at Brown?

1. G-Chat fails. Again. Ffffffuuuuuu how am I supposed to procrastinate now in a way that even looks like I’m being productive? Let me take to another procrastination web site like Twitter to communally gripe!

2. BCA Spring Weekend Tickets. Too real, I guess this one is kind of inevitable. Until they book the “John Schnatter and Grover Norquist old-time string band” to headline Spring Weekend, that site is going to go down, and people are going to complain.

3. Barrett Hazeltine actually decides to retire, gives farewell address via livestream. There would be no bandwidth left on College Hill. I can’t imagine this ever actually happening, but I feel like the reaction would be similar to Netflix Instant Watch failing as Arrested Development returns.

4. Newest Apple gadget somehow sucks. We got close to this when lefties like myself just couldn’t use the iPhone 4. Since then, all critiques of American consumer culture (and RIM stockholders) have been waiting for this to happen.

5. K-Berg sneaks away with half of all the books in the Rock in the middle of the night, founding a new college in Cranston. This is the actual founding myth of Amherst College. I kid you not.

6. SPG tickets distributed online. Imagine all the energy students put into camping out being transferred instead into new-found hacking skills to get tickets just 30 seconds early. Tickets would probably sell out faster than Ultra passes or Dalai Lama tickets.

7. Mama Kim’s announces it will launch restaurant in the “store front formerly known as Tedeschi.” Shake Shack-esque lines ensue for months on end, but Plouf Plouf and Clam Jammer’s revel in the new real estate at Thayer and Waterman. Patrons and competitors alike say #thankyouMamaKim’s.


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