No Shave… or No Sex November?

Alas, November is creeping to an end, and many of Brown’s finest young men (and women) are about to have completed the ultimate challenge:

I wouldn't have sex with him right now.

Brad Pitt is the epitome of No Sex November.

No Shave November. Many Brunonians have forsaken the razor in order to grow superior facial hair. It is a noble pursuit, but sometimes an ugly one. So when does No Shave November become… No Sex November?

When I say “No Sex” November, I refer to Facial Hair Degradation so severe that not only will I personally refuse to have sex with you, but the entire universe will also collectively refuse to copulate with you. But done right, No Shave November becomes… Naughty November. If you combine the right genes, facial hair coloring, and growth rate, you get a beard that makes us all say…

To all you WASPs out there: yes, I realize that the Jews and the Greeks have an advantage over you in the facial hair department. What can I say? It’s their birthright.

Here are some beards that can either go Sex… or No Sex:

1. The Mountain Man: The Mountain Man is a tricky beard to get right. Too little beard, and you end up looking like a pansy. Too much beard, and you look like a terrorist. Or that old guy in Homeland who catches terrorists. Or Amish (when you’re totally not Amish). Look at Brad Pitt. No Sex! No Sex! 

But do it right… and you get:

This. Is. Facial Hair!

Okay, you might have to work out a little bit. But you can get there.

2. The Stubble. Mmmm stubble. You can rarely go wrong with stubble. Just make sure your stubble is the result of careful grooming, not forgetting to shower/trim. Hygiene is good! You don’t want to be like a computer programmer…

To illustrate the power of stubble, I will now include a picture of stubble going oh so oh so right…

SEX


Possible pedophile?3. The Barely-There Beard: 
Has the humiliation of puberty taught you nothing? Give it up! You can’t grow one! You’re going to end up looking like John Waters! No sex for you!

 4. Civil War Beards: I used to think these were ugly and outdated. But then I took Michael Vorenberg‘s Civil War and Reconstruction class and was forced to sit through all four and a half hours of Gettysburg. You can’t watch that amount of beard and not end up loving it:
SEX

Lieutenant Thomas Chamberlain, sporting saucy sideburns and and adjacent mustache.

SEX

His brother, Colonel Joshua Chamberlain, looking like a hound dog.

He's pretty sexy for a Confederate.

Rebel Lietutenant General James Longstreet with a masculine Mountain Man beard.

His beard is the real rebel here.

Colonel Pickett’s charge may have lost the Confederacy the war, but his facial hair is a win. What a bad boy.

I’d have sex with any of these Civil War greats.

5. Mustaches: It’s hard to sport a mustache without looking creepy. These days, the only mustaches that are in are the fake ones you draw on your finger and hold up above your lips. It’s a stupid but adorable trend.  Don’t try the mustache. You’re going to look like Borat. Jak su maj.

6. Goatees: I used to think that goatees could never work. And then a game-changer came along:

Iron Man

But are you Iron Man? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

7. Assorted No-Sex Facial Hair Styles: There are so many ways facial hair can go wrong.

Not getting laid. Ever.

The Monkey-Tail Beard

His face is being devoured!

Beard-Face. The nips don’t help.

Surprise!

Two-Face

Score?

NBA Beard?

Score!

NFL Beard

Ew

Chest-beard

Pac-man Beard

Ew.

Got Milk, Donald?

Now, just remember if some of you prepubescent boys can’t grow facial hair, it’s ok. Research indicates that while men have more respect for other men with beards, women officially find clean-shaven men significantly more attractive. Guess these ladies don’t know what they’re missing. I hope you gentlemen had success on your quest for facial hair. If not, you can stick to the milk mustache.

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