Abnormal studying: Finals psychosis and self-diagnoses

Finals period is that time of the year when all my neuroses stop being cute and endearing… and just become really fucking annoying. Add to that the fact that my first final is in none other than Professor Hayden’s 9 a.m. Abnormal Psych class. I wondered how studying psychological disorders would affect my already abnormal brain. So I decided to record it.

Pay attention to this. I think it provides great insight into the fragile mind of an Ivy League student. Somebody’s going to publish this shit someday.

9:30 a.m. of the day before the test. Fuck. I’m awake.

9:30:02 a.m. Do I need to go to class?

9:30:25 a.m. Whatever. I don’t care. It’s Reading Period. Screw you, Hurricane Sandy (Cohen).

9:32 a.m. ZzzzzZzzzzzzzzzzz.

10:55 a.m. Shit. Shit. Motherfucker. Shit. I have to study.

10:57 a.m. I don’t have any clean clothes. Crap. Oh well, I’m sure if I spray Febreze on myself, nobody will notice.

11:01 a.m.Eating half a pack of Oreos for breakfast is fine, right?

11:03 a.m. Time for a quick pump-up song!!!!

11:05 a.m. EYE OF THE TIGERRRRRRRR! THE EYE OF THE TIGERRRRRRR!

11:09 a.m. This is 10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrated power of will, 5% pleasure, 50% pain, AND 100% REASON TO REMEMBER THE NAME!!!!

11:12 a.m. IF I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND I’D NEVER LET YOU GO… SWAGGIE!

11:15 a.m. Okay, I need to go to the SciLi.

11:31 a.m. Alright, let’s start by reviewing ADHD… FACEBOOK!

FACEBOOK FREAKOUT

The Internet is a scary place.

11:32 a.m. Ugh, my face looks fat in all of my pictures.Wait, do I have body dysmorphia disorder?

11:35 a.m. Nope, I look hot in this picture.

12:32 p.m.  Okay, WORK!

1:03 p.m. Panic disorders are often the result of avoidance. Researchers have consistently found that avoidance makes panic disorder consistently worse. Symptoms of a panic attack: sudden onset, racing heart, chest palpitations… I’m freaking out.

1:05 p.m. People with panic disorders consistently have abnormal insecure relationships, typically ending in unhappiness and depression.

1:06 p.m. I’M GOING TO DIE ALONE!

1:07 p.m. Good coping techniques include seeking out social support, positive thinking, and problem solving. Bad coping techniques include avoidance, denial, and repression.

1:08 p.m.  I think I’m going to go play with BlogDailyHerald’s communal Kacheek Neopet now.

3:08 p.m. Wait, how did little Slasla12 become so depressed in the past two hours?! I HAVE DESTROYED HER. Slasla12 hates finals too.

3:10 p.m. People with depression have negative cognitions about the future, self, and world. They tend to feel that everything is hopeless.They either have increased or decreased appetite.

3:12 p.m. I’m going to fail.

3:25 p.m. Time to finish that pack of Oreos.

3:45 p.m. The SciLi is a dark, cold, hopeless place.

3:46 p.m. Also, it kind of looks like a penis. #Freud #OedipusComplex

3:47 p.m. I can’t believe I just wrote those hashtags down.

4:00 p.m. Often insecure relationships are the result of insecure attachments with parents.

4:01 p.m. THIS EXPLAINS WHY ALL MY BOYFRIENDS ARE GAY.

4:35 p.m. I just called my mother and left an extremely angry voice mail message about her parenting.

5:10 p.m. Bipolar disorder is characterized by extreme mood swings between depression and mania. Manias constitute high energy, delusions, and fast talking.

5:11 p.m. Some people have said that I talk too much.

6:02 p.m. Sexual dysfunction: premature ejaculation, male orgasmic disorder, male erectile disorder. Wow, I know some people with these! Note: I’m like the Taylor Swift of Blog. You know, if T.Swift wrote songs about her ex-boyfriends like “You are Never, Ever, Ever Going to Get it Up,” “Stay, Stay, Stay (erect)” and “You Belong In Me.”

6:45 p.m. I’m going to go get mozz sticks from Jo’s. Totally counts as a meal.

7:30 p.m. Screw this, I’m going to go see Next to Normal. It’s about mental illness, so it’s totally educational. Right?

10:30 p.m. Oh my god, I cannot go insane. They will give you electrioshock therapy. I thought it wasn’t true, but then I looked it up, and I guess we went over this in the part of class I slept through. Whoops.

10:45 p.m. Ah, just one last disorder to study: schizophrenia.

10:55 p.m. Did I hear something ringing? Oh wait, it’s just my cell phone vibrating. BUT THEN WHY ARE THERE NO TEXT MESSAGES?!

11:01 p.m. I’m hearing things.

11:08 p.m. Wait, what was that noise?!

11:12 p.m. Is it just me, or are people starting to give me strange looks? They’re giving me strange looks, right?

11:30 p.m. AHHHHHHHHHHHH.TAKE A XANAX

Well, at least I can’t fail this test: I HAVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE DISORDERS.

Except… maybe not an eating disorder?

Good luck with finals, everybody. For more study tips from me, check this out.

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