One cold November day, three bloggers decided to go watch this movie’s seminal groundbreaking Christmas movie, Breaking Dawn II. For our general entertainment, one of them went drunk, one of them went high, and the other sober. General hilarity ensued. Here are their stories:
The night started with four-and-a-half-shots of tequila; High was MIA (noob, walking when you’re high is like teleporting); and some guy on the street yelled out that I was “pretty attractive.” I told him I really appreciated it because I have low self-esteem. He gave me a weird look.
Finally we got into the movie theater. The movie started with shots of snowflakes falling. High said he was enjoying the movie so far.
Suddenly, Kristen Stewart was on the screen and she had some really really really freaky red eyes. She looked pretty hot though, for a brunette. Suddenly she and R. Pats decided that they needed to “feed” so they started running really fast across a greenscreen forest. She took down a deer with all the sexual ferocity of a newborn vamp. Yummy.
Taylor Lautner entered the screen! Without a shirt! Apparently he has some weird pedophilic connection with Reneesme, Bella’s and Edward’s baby. Whatever, I’d still sleep with him.
Then Bella and Edward started having sex. Like, really, really hot sex. I started laughing, because it was hilarious. Then some bald guy turned around and asked me what my problem was. I told him I didn’t have enough sex. He shut up. I wondered why he was at a Twilight movie, and concluded that he was probably trying to get laid. Good luck. He looked like a penis with ears.
Bella said that she didn’t know if they could ever stop having sex because they never got tired. They probably stopped having sex after K. Stew cheated on R. Pats. I really need to have more sex.
At around this point, I realized something: Breaking Dawn II is actually a Christmas movie! There were a bunch of pretty Christmas lights everywhere and all the vampires glowed like pretty Yuletide stars. Also, there was a lot of snow.
Suddenly, for reasons I didn’t quite understand, a mafia of Italian vampires (called the Volturi) are coming for Bella and family!
The Cullen clan decided to form an alliance of vamps from all over the world who had special powers to “witness” for them. I don’t know what witness means. Like Jehovah’s Witnesses? Anyway, the portrayal of the vampires who come to witness are really racially insensitive. Seriously, people from Brazil wear clothes, you know! Also, the Russian vampires keep on saying “comrade” and are clearly metaphors for evil communists.
Then the Volturi came and there was a big battle. Dakota Fanning is a Volturi. She’s really turned into a bitch as an adult. A bunch of werewolves died. Carlisle’s head got ripped off and it was great. But wait, SPOILER, it was all just a prediction that Alice had about what would happen if they fought. She showed it to the Volturi and they didn’t like it so they left. Then they all lived happily ever after. Forever. And ever and ever. And ever and ever and ever and ever. Seriously, somebody just kill them this movie was so anticlimactic. Worst. Christmas movie. Ever.
Shit. How did I agree to watch Breaking Dawn sober? I’ve had pretty much zero contact with the Twilight-verse, so was worried about what I’d gotten myself into. All I really got out of secondhand pop culture were: sparkly vampires, K. Stew can’t really act, hot boys, and angst. Spoiler alert: Everything was confirmed, except the guys weren’t even that hot.
Anyway, the opening credits were instagasmically pretty. It’s like if Macklemore decided to intersperse his music videos with a goth makeup tutorial. I’m feeling pretty good about the whole thing. But then the talking begins.
My god this was the most inane movie I could imagine. The entirety of the first half-hour was Bella doing the usual vampire things: running super fast while tripping, jumping around like Crouching Tiger Hidden Werewolf, and then finally tearing out the jugular of a cougar for a light snack. The usual.
More blah, blah angst. Double entendres about sex and how great it is. Seriously. They use the line “The bed isn’t for sleeping,” and I expected the music to start going BOW CHIKCA WOW WOW as they started tearing each others’ clothes off. Literally. Blah, blah, angst.
Oh no! The big bad vampires are introduced. You know they’re bad guys ‘cause they have a vague sense of foreignness (‘MURICA!) and speak as if their lines were Google translated. Apparently all it takes to rule an underground, all-powerful coven is to get really bug-eyed and speak like a mouth-breathing fortune cookie.
After that, the bulk of the movie kinda passes unremarkably. We meet a rag-tag group of cardboard cutout character misfits who all somehow fall in love with Renesmee because… plot devices. We get it–the crusty rogue was alive during the Revolutionary War: You don’t have to drop an uncomfortably patriotic reference every time he talks. And the guy whose power was element control? This is how you bend elements, thank you very much. Then there were the super problematic Amazonian women.
After dramatically vague speeches about freedom and a half-baked “AND MY AXE” moment, it’s the climax. Bella and Co. and werewolves are all standing in the middle of a snow-covered field (because isn’t that how you meet your enemies?). The evil vampires show up all aflowing in their cloaks like Darth Fabio, the Sith lord.
Now we’re getting to the good stuff. We get vamp-on-vamp action as they pull each other’s heads off like Lego people. Stake through the heart is so old-fashioned: These days, comedic decapitation is the way to go!
And then it was all a vision. Seriously?! Dakota Fanning’s decapitation by angry wolf was the only redeeming factor in this whole movie: I just saw the girl from I Am Sam get decapitated, and enjoyed it. But no, now that didn’t even happen. Thanks, a lot.
The non-existent, imaginary battle ends with a bunch of convenient new characters arriving, thus resolving literally every conflict the two covens had. And so all the creepy Italian vampires go back home to mope around in dungeons like before, and K. Stew and R. Pats live happily ever after … forever. Because it wouldn’t be Twilight if it didn’t end on uncomfortable notes of codependency.
Guys, I’ve never been that high. Alright, so I’ve never seen one of those movies, and I went in with an open mind (also a half-awake, half-dreaming-magical-marshmallow-dreams mind, to be fair). BUT HOLY SHIT THEY ARE BAD.
I think Drunk and Sober already gave a pretty, ahem, thorough plot description, so all I really have to add is that it wasn’t a Christmas movie. Even though Drunk told us a thousand times that it was, it wasn’t. Trust me. I don’t even know why she thought that. Snow? Does snow make a movie a Christmas movie?
All you need to know about seeing Twilight: Breaking Michael Sheen’s Neck: Part Two: Part One of Part Two: The Part Two Saga is that no amount of weed will fool you into thinking it isn’t something you could’ve made in your backyard with your dad’s shitty digital camera and three semi-attractive kids you pulled out of the goth group at your high school.
Also, the small popcorn and a King Size Junior Mints is nowhere near enough food to munchie your way through Twilight, for the record. Also, did I mention that movie sucked? That movie sucked.