Monsters: High school friends revisited

I had a fairly idyllic high school experience. Having gone to a nerdy magnet school, I was able to have a modicum of popularity, and I seized it: I played the Fairy Godcalculator in the high school skit (I can make all your trignometry wishes come true!) and hosted cool balloon animal-themed parties. Every year, I return to the Washington D.C. area excited to revisit my roots and perhaps have an unedited LOTR marathon. And for the most part, it’s been great.

But college has not worked in everybody’s favor. Sometimes, you return for break and find that a university has taken your high school besties and created… monsters. And not in the way of the most anticipated blockbuster of summer 2013.

It’s only upon returning to Brown that one can come to appreciate how these monsters function. Through observations, hearsay, and a couple of incredibly awkward parties, I have compiled a list of the most monster-like high school archetypes:

The Networker:

Catchphrase: “I was chilling with my bro Arianna the other day. You know, Arianna Huffington.”

This person always has an internship he or she is all too happy to gush about, whether it be in computer science,  journalism, or “something so secret that I really shouldn’t talk to you about it.”  And even though I’ve spent two summers Educating the Youth of America in summer school, the Networker definitely adds to my inferiority complex. Shut up, we all know you spent the summer entering data into a spreadsheet.

The New Relationship Fiend:

Catchphrase: “I’m in love! We have great sex! I’m in love!”

Oh my god, I bet you’re going to get married and have two children, a boy and a girl! And there’s nothing I love more than hearing about other people’s sex lives. I bet next year he’s going to meet a freshman and trade you in for a newer model. Maybe I’m just bitter. Okay, I’m definitely just bitter. Whatever.

The New New Yorker:

Obnoxious New Yorkers

This show is a monstrosity, and so are you.

Catchphrase: “There’s really no place like The City. We go out to bars every night, and I’m a real New Yorker now. I’m not having the normal college experience.”

Have you puked in the trashcan in your dorm room? How about made out with more than one dude and/or chick in a night?  Congratulations, I’d say you’re having the typical college experience. The New New Yorkers go all Sex and the City on you before they’ve even been there for more than a month. It’s enough to put you off New York for good.

The Greek Lifer:

Phoebe and I are in the same sorority!

Catchphrase: “Alpha Theta Gamma Psi Omega Kappa Kappa Kappa Pi For Life!” I just loved seeing your cover photos full of girls making strange hand gestures. What are those, anyway? Secret coded messages? A mating call? I’m so confused!!

If you must know, I’ve joined a sorority too. It’s called Thigh Mega Tampon. On campus, we’re known as being the “fun” sorority. You should really rush next year!

I have to say, though, while my friends in fraternities have come back home significantly douchier, they have returned laiden with vodka. Ah well. You win some, you lose some.

The Pre-Med:

Catchphrase: “You don’t understand how much I study. It’s all worth it, though, because I’ll eventually save lives. Plus, I get to EMS people.”

Now, nobody loves pre-meds more than I do. But my life is hard too! I write for a blog! Maybe I’ll get a PhD in something too. And we all know that your pre-medness isn’t really about saving lives. You just watched a few too many episodes of Grey’s Anatomy back in the day.

The Stoner:

Catchphrase: “Pass the bong.”

Oh wait, that’s us.

I’m so happy to be back at college. Let spring semester commence!

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