Sextion: The slut paddle and other comical but offensive sex toys

Sextion

Welcome to another enlightening and arousing semester of Sextion! I, Monica Bruinsky, have the distinct pleasure and honor of welcoming the vivacious vixen Margaret Snatcher to the BlogDH team. She and I will be collaborating on Sextion posts throughout the semester, answering more of your questions and digging deep into the steamy, salacious, and sordid sex lives of Brown students.

Have you ever been at a holiday gift exchange and been the person that opens the box with the candy thong? I can’t speak from experience because I never have been—maybe that’s because I’m the person who always brings those kinds of gifts.

So we’ve all seen the furry handcuffs and the penis pasta, but it’s time to get over Spencer’s as our main store for funny sex things. It’s time to up the ante. It’s time to look past your run-of-the-mill dildos and vibrators. Time to make it funnier. Time to make it more uncomfortable. Check out some of the most ridiculous sex toys after the jump.

Solar Bullet Vibrator: I don’t know how many members of Brown’s environmental organization, emPower, read this column, but if you have a friend who is one you might want to point them in the direction of the Solar Bullet Vibrator. It’s eco-friendly (!). Yes, you can buy a vibrator that is powered by its very own solar panel. The Solar Bullet is sleek and black, but it also comes in fun designs like this Micro-Kitty! I’m not condoning public masturbation, but if you’re completely dedicated to saving the planet and catching some sun, you might want to find a secluded rooftop and take some time to pleasure yourself.

“SLUT”-ty leather paddle: This next “sex toy,” if you want to call it that (I wouldn’t because I’d have a hard time seeing any person who is seriously into BDSM taking this seriously), is pretty funny. It’s a leather paddle with “SLUT” engraved in it so that it makes an impression when slapped against skin. Just a word of advice—it might be more fun at a party trying to make impressions on your friends thighs rather than using it with—and possibly demeaning—a significant other.

The Happy Hooper: Now my personal favorite out of this potpourri of off-the-beaten-path sex toys: the Happy Hopper. Remember those big inflatable balls with handles that you used to bounce around on as a kid? Well, now imagine one with an extra handle sticking out just a few inches back, with ridges and a mechanism that vibrates. Childhood ruined.

The Musical Condom: While the Musical Condom isn’t on the market for everyday purchase (I’ve read that it may soon be on sale in the UK), it definitely deserves a place on this list. It’s a normal condom, except for the fact that it plays music—the volume of the music depends on the intensity of the sex—and the tone of the music matches specific sex positions. Somehow. And don’t worry, testing has been done to make sure there is no risk for electric shock.

Don’t forget you can email questions, comments, or concerns to monicabruinsky@gmail.com. Stay sexy!

<3, Monica Bruinsky and Margaret Snatcher

Leave a Reply