New Year’s Resolution 2013: I was not going to be alone on Valentine’s Day. This year, I would open my heart, find love, and live happily ever after. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. A real relationship requires honesty, integrity, and never, ever forgetting to shave your legs. But I knew could do it. And I had discovered just the place to find love: Tinder.
If you haven’t experienced the glory of Tinder, let me spell it out for you. Tinder is an iPhone app that links into your Facebook, takes your profile picture and age, and then creates a profile, which can be viewed by other Tinder users located near you. Those Tinder users can then vote “yes” or “no” to your picture. If a person says yes to your picture, and you say yes to their picture, then Tinder allows you two to talk. It seemed the best way to really get to know my future mate.
Here’s the picture my potential suitors saw. I’m the blonde one. The brunette is my attractive best friend. I figured if the men didn’t like what they saw on the left, they could pretend I was the one on the right.
I began my journey with an open heart, and I’ve documented it here. Any spelling or grammatical errors in my Tindering are pure subterfuge: I was trying not to intimidate these men with my great intellect. Obviously.
FUTURE HUSBAND #1:
Future Husband #1 was an attractive looking 20-year-old. Unfortunately, his profile pic had some blonde chick who looked suspiciously like a girlfriend. I had to check it out.
I waited for him to text me again so I could justify talking to him, but he didn’t. Sad.
TRUE LOVE #3:
Duh. I started worrying about his ability to provide for me.
Governmebt? Dude, I just spelled that for you.
That groundhog is an evil Marxist.
HEART’S DESIRE #4:
This time, I was going to find somebody I connected with on a deeper level.
I hear that boys l0ve girls with low self-esteem.
A real relationship requires brutal honesty.
Aww! I guess being brutally honest does work, after all.
KINDRED SPIRIT #5:
I learned the phrase “the right reasons” thing from my favorite dating guide, The Bachelor.
That Friday night I spent the night watching Arrested Development reruns and eating Oreos. But “jeans and a tee shirt” is pretty descriptive so I’m sure he noticed I wasn’t there right away.
But here’s the kicker…
What other blonde girl did he meet wearing jeans and a tee shirt?!
Oh babe. You’ve made a huge mistake.
Babe: the feel good family movie about a dog-herding pig who meets his inevitable fate on a frying pan.
Last but not least…
MARRIAGE MATERIAL #7:
This guy seemed like the ultimate catch. He got a little jealous at first because he saw a profile picture of me cuddling with blog’s creative director and wunderkind, Jason Hu, and thought we were dating.
I wish. We’re not.
I’d figure I’d get straight to the point of this exercise.
I’m already 20! That’s the new 30! WHICH IS THE NEW 40!
While he was joking, I decided to stop Tindering.
I began my Tinder journey in the hopes of encountering true love. Instead, I found a dark and scary world: a world full of men who wanted to see lopsided tits, people who didn’t understand the seminal movie Babe, and girls who tricked men into saying stupid things so they could put it up on the Internet for their own amusement.
Ah well. Valentine’s Day is two weeks away and I still don’t have a date. Guess it’s time to be more proactive. I could always try this new app, Bang with Friends…