Sexit (n.): Well, in Hannah’s words: “To leave a party or another event to go have sex.” Depending on circumstances, this can either be an exhilarating covert operation filled with seductive hiding and passionate whispering, or the most awkward situation imaginable.
How it’s used in the show: The episode opens with Hannah basking in her own genius over the creation of a phrase she believes could go as “completely viral” as the term bootycall: Sexit. Lena really handed this one to us on a silver platter, which she probably stole from Patrick Wilson’s super awesome Greenpoint townhouse. Although Ray shoots her “brilliance” down with a quick Urban Dictionary search on his phone (why does Ray have a smartphone?), Hannah brings up a very interesting point: What’s the best way to bail on a social situation to bang, specifically in our own Brunonian world?
Time: 12:00 a.m.
Discreet sexit feasibility: EASY
Here’s an example of entry-level sexiting. At this point in the night, you and your desired sexual partner have probably ditched your respective group of friends, and are either aggressively making out on the dance floor or secluded in a corner of the patio. Leaving da club discreetly should not be that hard. If you’re worried about ditching your friends without saying bye (which honestly defeats the purpose of a sexit), shoot them a text once you’ve already left. Nothing puts the kibosh on a sexit like your belligerent roommate begging you not to leave without her.
Place: Acapella Concert/Comedy Show
Time: 10:00 p.m.
Discreet sexit feasibility: CHALLENGING
This sexit takes a little more planning than the others. First of all, you and your bang buddy are going to want to sit near an exit in order to avoid distracting the audience members. Second, it’s best to space out your departure times as to avoid any speculation from suspicious peers (not too long, just enough to make it seem coincidental). The acapella concerts and comedy shows typically run anywhere from 40 to 90 minutes, so if you came with your respective groups of friends and need to be back in your seat before the show is over, try not to venture too far from the venue for your escapades.
Place: Walking between off-campus parties in a large group
Time: 12:15 a.m.
Discreet sexit feasibility: DEPENDENT ON INEBRIATION
- How you saw the sitch: You and your S.O. ninja’d yourselves away from your crew, used a nearby bank for coverage, and miraculously weren’t presumed dead harassed by your friends via text until at least 10:00 a.m. the next morning. Go you!
- How your friends saw the sitch: You and your S.O. hid behind a bank giggling and then ran away to, presumably, have sex. Your friends know exactly what transpired. Not the sexiest of exits.
Place: The SciLi
Time: 3:30 p.m.
Discreet sexit feasibility: EASY
At such an unexpected time and location, most people will assume you’re leaving for coffee, not coitus. Obviously, if the two of you show up giggling in the stacks, your discreetness levels are going to plummet; we suggest heading to an off-site location, like one your dorm rooms/apartments. Subtlety is the name of the game when it comes to sexits; we’re mature adults (apparently) and should handle our affairs as such.
Place: COLT1440A: Storytelling in the Wire
Time: T.,Th. 2:30–3:50 p.m.
Discreet sexit feasibility: NO SHOT
Have you seen how many fucking people squeeze into that room? (Ed.-I want to take your course on The Wire, but I do not want to die in a fire.) There is nothing artful about this sexit, and you’ll definitely step on someone in the aisle trying to get out. Nobody in this situation is comin’… not even Omar.
Time: 11:45 AM on a Sunday
Discreet sexit feasibility: Why would you ever abandon brunch?
This is sacreligious, we’re not even gonna cover this sexit. Sit back down in your booth and enjoy your pancakes, sex can wait.
Finally, let’s briefly discuss the least discreet of all sexits, the reverse sexit. This is when you’re with a group of people who actively leave the room in order to facilitate your hookup. Typically, this occurs with two people who haven’t actually hooked up yet, or are in the beginning stages of a “thing.” Your friends assume that you two need that extra push to set things in motion, so they all leave the room mass-exodus style… again, this is the most painfully indiscreet sexit ever. If you’re the friend who does this—stop. We are not in middle school.