A Valentine’s Day date guide inspired by ‘The Bachelor’

(BlogDH) Bachelor

Every year, it seems like a chosen few people get to go on dates on Valentine’s Day. The rest of us get to be single, miserable, and alone Independent Men and Women a la Destiny’s Child. If this year, however, you’re among The Chosen Ones, you’re going to want to make that date really special. After all, it’s Valentine’s Day. People have expectations. Hallmark and Valentine’s Day (that knock-off of Love Actually that came out three years ago) have taught us that Love will always come in the form of chocolates, roses, and grand romantic gestures that somehow involve Taylor Swift and abstinence.

I learned love from somewhere more realistic: reality TV. Specifically, the classic dating show: The Bachelor, which is currently on its 17th season of Love. So for you first-time Valentine’s Day daters (or chronic daters who are looking to spice things up), here are my dating tips for you:

1. Take the Leap: Let’s take the next step. I don’t think I mean what you think I mean. Make it official? Nah. Sex? Have you learned nothing from Emma Roberts and Taylor Swift in Valentine’s Day?! Sex ruins everything!

No, I mean a literal step… off a building.

Scary

“Do you love me yet?”

You see, in Bachelor-world, jumping off of tall things = commitment. Especially if you drink alcohol beforehand. You can make jumping off of things a great metaphor for your relationship! Case in point:

“I think anytime you get in a relationship part of that is taking a chance and stepping outside your comfort zone. And I’m taking her repelling down this four-hundred-foot mountain to show her that if you commit to something, you can make it work no matter what. I really hope that after today [she] has no more questions about where our relationship is going and what we have.” – Sean Lowe, Bachelor

Nothing says “I love you” than forcing your date with severe vertigo to bungee jump off a building! And at Brown, we have a 55-meter-tall library to leap off of: the SciLi! Score.

If that isn’t extreme enough for you, you can always…

2. Take the plunge. You could spend V-Day skydiving or leaping off a building as a metaphor for commitment, but love is dangerous. Why not imitate the perils of rejection by jumping into an ice-cold lake? On this season, the Bachelor decided it would be a good idea to force the girls on the so-called “Group Date” to fully immerse themselves in the 35 degree Lake Louise.

“I bared my soul. My feet really hurt. I don’t want to ever do that again… This was an incredible step, and this was a breakthrough that I chose to do for Sean.” – Bachelorette

One of the girls almost got hypothermia and had to be EMS-ed, but she took a crucial step in her relationship. She risked her life for true love. Whatever, the other girls thought she was probably faking it.

In any case, there are plenty of snow drifts from Nemo that you and your date can jump into- and into your relationship!

3. Talk about childhood trauma. Nothing is less scary that dumping your baggage on your significant other on your first date.

"Now that I'm dying, do you believe I'm here for the right reasons?"

“Now that I’m dying, do you believe I’m here for the right reasons?”

Bachelor: “You look really pretty tonight.”
Bachelorette: “Thanks. At summer camp, I saw my childhood playmate get crushed under a tree.”
Bachelor: “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

It always works. This season, there was a girl who was missing an arm. You might not be able to top that traumatic back-story, but in a pinch you can make one up. I once got three inches of Ticonderoga pencil stuck in my foot when I was studying. It was pretty traumatic.

4. “The right reasons.” Beware! There are plenty of Brunonian bachelors and bachelorettes that are not going on dates for “the right reasons.” I’m not sure exactly what that phrase means. I’m pretty sure it’s about people who use you for your meal credits. You know who you are. If you’re confused about the motivations of your partner, just ask.

Bachelor: “You look really pretty tonight.”
Bachelorette: “Thanks. Why are you dating me?”
Bachelor: “You look really pretty tonight. Also, I like Chicken Finger Friday.”

Figures.

5. Tell him/her how you feel. And be spontaneous! Don’t just settle for a card that says “I like you” or a box of candy hearts. Skywrite it. Make him/her a scrapbook of all your favorite moments. Show him/her pictures of your family. Not your family now, your future family. Jump up and down at your chair at dinner and scream “I LOVE YOU, SEAN!” It doesn’t matter if you’ve only been dating a week. The Bachelors and Bachelorettes love that shit.

6. Group Dates: Can’t decide which biddie to take to your special V-Day date? Oh, what the heck, take

Ew.

“If I put this sand on my cleavage, he will love me.”

all of them! You can make a Barenaked Ladies music video. Or take them Turkish Oil Wrestling. How about making them todo a Sports Illustrated bikini photo shoot? Bikini skiing? (Yes, these are all actual former Bachelor franchise dates).

It’ll give them a chance to appraise each other and determine which ones are there for “the right reasons.” Be sure to bitch about them to your significant other. Nothing is more attractive.

7. Talk about the future. I don’t mean where you’re going to eat tomorrow (V-Dub or Ratty?). I mean marriage.

Bachelor: “You look really pretty tonight.”
Bachelorette: “Thanks. Where do you see yourself in ten years? How many kids do you want? Big wedding or small?”

If only I had a Valentine.

8. Other assorted date ideas:

  • The Cinderella Date: I can’t think of anything more fun than having your Hunk take you to the mall, watch you try on dresses and shoes, and buy you lots of jewelry on ABC’s dime. Then he can take you out to dinner and dancing. You’re reliving every Disney fantasy you ever had!
  • The Fantasy Suite Date: In this date, you and your significant other take a night without the cameras (in our case, your iPhone), to do… whatever. Wink wink nudge nudge hubba hubba.
  • Stage a fake wedding: This sounds ridiculous, but model and lucky Bachelor winner Courtney actually did this successfully on a date…

  • Side note: wearing a wedding dress to a date isn’t actually scary but freakin’ adorable and is sure to end in a proposal.

    Scary

    “Please love me.”

  • Go streaking on national television. It’ll bring you closer together.
  • If you can’t persuade your date to do that, at least make sure the night ends with hottubbing. Gotta check what’s under the hood before you put a ring on it, ya know what I’m saying?
  • Cars are for weenies. Make sure you pick your date up in an helicopter. All the Bachelors and Bachelorettes ride around on helicopters. I think ABC has some sort of discount on helicopters.

Don’t forget to bring a rose on your date. Give it to him/her at the end of it if you felt like you actually connected on your date. If not, I guess they’re not getting the ring.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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1 Comment

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