Sixth Man: Intramural Hoops

All the loyal readers of this column out there (hi, mom and dad!) might agree that last week’s post, an open letter to head basketball coach Mike Martin ’94, was a high point in professionalism and gravitas for Sixth Man. In the interest of balance, then, this week will mark a low point. I confess, dear readers, that I was too busy this weekend raging face catching up on The Wire to catch any of our many exciting sporting events. But, as an ever-dedicated journalist wanting to have a column for this week, I made up for it by spending my Sunday night completely alone in the bleachers of Pizzitola, watching the intramural basketball finals for all three divisions (High, Mid, Low). Here are summaries of the riveting action.

space-jam

This is exactly how it went down.

LOW

Final Score: Scorgasms 37, Schrodinger’s Balls 24 (score approximate, forgot to write it down until a few hours later)

Recap: The Scorgasms, a group of eight seniors (including a girl, the only championship team to have one), used their superior outside game and non-receding hairlines to triumph over the physics grad students representing Schrodinger’s Balls. Schrodinger’s Balls gameplan of “give it to our one bearded big guy, Beardsie” was eventually detected and neutralized by the four Scorgasms who quadruple-teamed Beardsie, helping the Scorgasms pull away in the second half.

They Said It (Winner Edition): “I’m glad I won a[n intramural champion] shirt as a senior. Definitely on my bucket list.”–Wooyoung Moon ’13

They Said It (Loser Edition): “We don’t want to be quoted.”–Beardsie [grad year unknown]

They Said It (Ref Edition): “It was well-fought. I feel like [The Scorgasms] don’t even belong in the low division. They were pretty adept. They definitely deserved it.”–Danny Ecehvarria ’16, referee

MID

Final Score: BALF 50, HoopCity 18

Recap: BALF featured two soccer players (who were, not to play whistleblower or anything, not actually on the team’s roster), two ex-baseball players, a tennis player, and a golfer. HoopCity featured some freshmen who do not play varsity sports. Guess who won by the 30-point mercy rule? In other news, I want to know what BALF stands for. Or maybe I don’t.

They Said It (Winner Edition): “We did it for our dawgs.”–BALF, collectively (apparently this is an inside joke)

They Said It (Loser Edition), Pt. 1: “In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.”–Andrew Gonzales ’16

They Said It (Loser Edition), Pt. 2: “We fucking suck. Actually don’t quote me, I don’t want to be associated with this team.”–Greg Reardon ’16 (did not play for personal reasons)

They Said It (Ref Edition): “[HoopCity] didn’t come to play, and they weren’t very sportsmanlike either–just an overall performance. [BALF] had a lot of intensity.”–Danny Echevarria ’16, referee

HIGH

Final Score: Brook Ballers 42, Tune Squad (Yellow) 30

Recap: The heavily favored Tune Squad (Yellow) team, comprised of seven football players and another football player who wore a suit and made himself the coach, pulled out to an early lead and appeared to have the game in the bag. But, in a shocking turn of events, the Ballers overcame a 22-8 halftime deficit by scoring the first 21 points of the second half behind some lights-out jump-shooting. It was crazy. All four fans were going absolutely wild.

They Said It (Winner Edition): “We were lacking in athleticism but we had a superior game plan. Our layup line warmup helped, too. And we took SafeRide here.”–Andrew Ressler ’13 and friends

They Said It (Loser Edition): “Are you guys looking for a new coach?”–Alex Quoyeser ’15, Tune Squad coach, to Brook Ballers

They Said It (Ref Edition): “[I did not referee this game, which ruins the consistency of this column a little.]”–Danny Echevarria ’16, referee

Aren’t you bummed you missed the fun? Don’t worry, there’s always next year. Until then, we’ll have stay tuned for more Blog intramural coverage. We have a pretty sweet segment coming up on intramurals if I do say so myself. Get ready.

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