Sextion: Shit our parents told us about sex

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I hope you all had an amazing spring break. If you’re one of the many people that went home over break, you may have realized that vacation is the perfect time for your parents to bombard you with questions about your sex life. Or maybe they got a little too wine-drunk during Passover and shared too much information about their own experiences in the bedroom. Either way, our parents say some pretty horrible and hilarious shit stuff when it comes to sex.

Fortunately for me, my older siblings have had to bear the brunt of the majority of my parents’ sex talks, and I was spared some of the worst questions. Like when my dad asked my oldest brother if he masturbated with his whole hand or just the top two fingers. Poor kid. But because my parents know about my passion for sex and sex education, they actually end up asking me a lot of questions. My dad watches a lot of South Park, so when he learns of a new word like “teabagging,” he likes to quiz me on their meanings. And the time I had to explain to my mom that, no, oral sex on a woman does not have to be performed exclusively on a bed. I don’t know if I have to blame my mom or my dad more for that question.

In any case, our parents took on a major role in our sex education, whether by passively giving us books to read like The Naked Apeor by sitting us down and giving us the dreaded “Talk,” so I thought I’d ask some fellow bloggers about the best/worst/most ridiculous things their parents ever told them about sex:

“My parents are super-reserved and, as such, never had ‘the talk’ with me. This confused me so much that my freshman year of college, I actually ASKED them why we never had it. My mom’s response was that they never felt the need to have it with me because it wasn’t relevant. Thanksssss, parents. Then, wanting to have an honest adult conversation, I asked my mom what her thoughts are about sex. She said, ‘My thoughts are: don’t.'”

“When I was in 12th grade, my mom told me, ‘I don’t need to warn you about pregnancy. I know you’re too prude to have sex.'”

“My mom, when I was 10 and still thought boys were gross: ‘Do you need the pill? Maybe we should put you on the pill. I’m going to call your doctor and make an appointment to talk about birth control.’ [She] told me that condoms are never the answer because 
‘our family is very fertile. Your father and I have a lot of sex and condoms are just not enough.’ She also gave me a book explaining sex from a Christian perspective. When I was 7.”

“My mom told me when I was 10 that the woman down the hall from us got pregnant as a teenager because her boyfriend accidentally ejaculated on her. She said that’s why it’s not safe, even when you think you’re just on first base, because you could become a pregnant virgin. This is the single motivation for me starting the pill even though I am not sexually active nor do I intend to become sexually active anytime soon.”

“‘Sex leads to bad grades.'”

“My dad used to tell us when we were younger that he was ‘dusty,’ and we always thought that meant that he was feeling old/dying so he instructed us to tell our mom to help him. I remember we used to get so upset about it and beg her to help him out. He later told us that it meant that he hadn’t had sex in a while. So we basically begged our mom to have sex with our dad.”

“One time my mom got drunk during Christmas dinner and asked me very loudly in front of all of our family and friends if I knew there was such a thing as female ejaculation.”

“Senior year of high school, when my last sex talk with my dad had been when I was 8, my father, before leaving for a weekend in the country with my mom and sister: ‘Not. In. My. Bed.'”

“My mom is a very gullible lady, so once when she asked me if this girl in my grade was ‘fast,’ as in sexually promiscuous, my brother says to her ‘Oh yeah, Mom. She’s a dolphin.’ Now my mom thinks that ‘dolphin’ is the hip word for someone who is very sexually experienced. We’ll be talking about someone and she’ll go ‘Ohhh…is he a dolphin?'”

 

Do you have any HILARIOUS anecdotes about your parents’ sex talks with you? Email them to me at monicabruinsky@gmail.com and they may be anonymously featured in a future Sextion post! Can’t wait to hear from you!

Peace out,

Monica B.

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